Thursday, March 25, 2010

Tyne Daly Demasculinized Neal

I totally blame last night's theater in my head on Neal's bright idea to watch vintage television.

The Insight guy came yesterday and took our cable box away. It wasn't quite as heartbreaking as I had imagined. Except for the 7 episodes of American Experience and the one episode of Life, it didn't contain anything that I can't live without or find elsewhere. Neal got an HD antenna for his birthday (who needs pearls and diamonds when you've got electronics??) and he had just purchased a Roku, which allows us to download all of our news channels daily and watch on demand. Plus, we've had the ability to stream instant watch Netflix video for some time. All in all, we're pretty set to watch anything that we would want to watch (as opposed to CNN on 24-7 for background noise...which is apparently not child-friendly, anyway).

Last night, as we settled into our butt-carved seats on the couch with dinner, he loaded an instant watch show on Netflix. I thought it was going to be MI-5, which was the British template for 24 and, in my op, an infinitely better show. But no. He had loaded Cagney and Lacey. Yeah...Tyne and Meg together again (let me just say that it was not until the writers of Burn Notice wrote Tyne a part this past season, opposite her old partner, Meg, that I was clued in to their former working relationship. The skies parted, the sun shone through, angels sang the Hallelujah chorus. I got it). I will go more into the phenom of revolving fashion some other time...but for now, let me just say that I'm desperate trying to find way to make these:

They are RUBIX CUBE EARRINGS!! Tyne was sporting a pair as an undercover prostitute. And I feel the need to make and sell immediately.

Any80's, we went to bed, I read like 4 pages of A is for Alibi, my March bookclub book, and passed out asleep. And then it proceeded to all go down like this:

Neal came home from the gym, doubled over in pain and complaining that some guy had accidentally racked him during a basketball game. When he took his gym shorts off, was badly bruised. To this, he muttered, "damn...I'm going to have to take it off to let it heal." Then he unvelcroed his penis and set it on the coffee table. was just a flat landscape down south with a bean bag left blowin' in the spring wind. And that did not at all seem odd to me. I just knew that it would sit there, next to my stack of unread Real Simple magazines, until the bruise disappeared and he could re-attach it.

If you're thinking what I'm thinking, then you are humming Detachable Penis RIGHT NOW!! I actually woke up with the melody echoing in my head. Need some words? Let me help you out:

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.
[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]
I really suggest you give iTunes your 99 cents for this little ditty. You won't be sorry, swearsies.

And because I can't leave well enough alone, I went back to sleep. This time, Neal and I were in a mall in London (England, not Kentucky...yes, we have a London, KY...and a Paris, KY...and a Versailles, KY - pronounced Ver-SALES with about 32748 syllables) and someone released a bioterroristic gas in the mall, which killed all of us.

So now I have convinced myself that I have 7 hours to live because when I went to water my ivy this morning, it had a fungus and sticky leaves...and now my throat sort of hurts and I have a little bit of a headache. It's just a matter of time. I promised Queenie Jeannie the Mustang yesterday. Everything else is up for grabs. Except for my husband...who has to now go commit himself to the monastary and marry God. But I really hope it doesn't go down like that. Maybe if I wash my hands and eat a brownie, it will all go away. I'll give that a shot....

Oh and if this fungus doesn't kill me today, come back tomorrow because Champagne Friday LIVES and I have the BEST Top 5 Friday EVAH!


  1. I spewed Highbridge Spring water all over my keyboard upon reading about Neal's detachable velcro penis. Seriously?!! That is even funnier than when Jarrod talks in his sleep. LOLOLOLOL!

  2. In case you didn't guess, i was TOTALLY humming that song! Love it!

    Seriously, though, don't go! Because I'm ready for a Champagne Friday to kick the weekend off.

    AND those rubix cube earrings needs to be made. They are crying out for you to make them IMMEDIATELY.

  3. This comes in handy a lot of the time.
    I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
    or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.

    I LOVE that song. As soon as I read velcro the song popped into my head. I thought it was on my iPod but for some reason it seems to not be there. Hmmm... I also like Gary and Melissa...give it a listen.

    I'm really hoping the brownie and the handwashing will do the trick. I would hate for you to expire before Champagne Friday.

    If you start making Rubik's Cube earrings, please send me the first pair. I'm going to need them. I think they will go really well with my new necklace.

  4. I'm... not even sure what to say! Except that I'm giggling like crazy over here. And totally texing Dustin to ask if he has a detachable penis.

  5. Please make those rubik cube earrings. I'd be alllll over them.

    I've never heard dteachable penis, and I'm scared that I'd like it too much.

    I will literally buy a bottle of champagne and drink it tomorrow. That is how excited I am. Promise on my life.

    I had terrible dreams too, last night.

  6. see those are the types of dreams that when i wake up i think they are real. like i would have been seriously searching for the penis to make sure it was in it's correct place.
    and i seriously hope you are not dying because i am looking forward to the top champagne fridays evah.

  7. Love the earrings! And you gotta lay off the snacks at bedtime cause they're really giving you weird dreams!

    FYI - we have a London, Ontario here too!

  8. Best song ever.

    Now if you can only have a dream where you make toast with Vaseline.

  9. I will be celebrating Champagne Friday with you tomorrow eve as well, my dear! If you make those earrings, I will totally buy them.

  10. What on God's green earth are you eating at night? And of course I was singing detachable penis as you spoke of Neal's bean bag.

  11. If you figure out a way to make those earrings, you MUST send me a pair...


  12. Perhaps if you owned those "to die for" earrings, you could figure out the puzzle that is Cagney & Lacey...that show worked on so many metaphorical levels, it makes my head spin!

  13. It's been over 7 hrs...are you still there???

  14. PS - there's always for free TV episodes too :)

  15. The mustang would be nice, but I'd rather have you alive and kickin'. Swearsies!! :D

  16. So wait.. Neal is a Ken Doll now? How fashionable of him!

    Don't die - there's still so much Allyson goodness to learn!!! If you do croak leave me detail instructions on how to make necklaces and I'll keep your legacy alive!!!


That's it, let it all out....