If I had a million dollars

2 genius ideas: priceless
start-up capital for genius ideas: $0

We have the best ice cream truck in the city. It's not the 1980's white electrical truck that's riddled with rust and belting out Blondie's Greatest Hits performed on the xylophone. It's a Jon & Kate + 8-looking van with penguins eating popsicles painted on the side. It plays all reggae all the time - which is obnoxious if you're sitting in Nicholasville Road traffic in your convertible with the top down and trying to explain to your husband what kind of salad dressing to get at the grocery store. But it's super-fantastic to listen to while swinging in your hammock and having a slightly chilled glass of pinot grigio. Even better if it's a margarita. As the rockin reggae truck made its evening rounds (at 7 pm...a little late for ice cream...unless you eat dinner at 5 but what American family does THAT anymore??), I started thinking "what's better than an ice cream truck? A frozen drink truck!!" And thus, a star was born. Keep the reggae, keep the ice cream even, just toss it in a blender with some rum and charge double. I'm thinking Wet Willy's on Wheels. I know..you are salivating just thinking about it. Let's say it's a balmy 98 degrees and since I live in Kentucky, I only know a humidity level that's higher than 80%. The kids are getting short-tempered, even your sweat is starting to sweat and off in the distance you hear "I shot the sheriff"...but of course all instrumental on the steel drums so as not to increase thoughts of violence in the neighborhood kids. Although, I guess in some neighborhoods it wouldn't really matter...it might even be a positive influence since he DIDN'T shoot the deputy. Anyway, it's frozen salvation with a straw at only $5.00 a piece. If you do not want in on the ground floor of this golden opportunity then you're a nut. Or sober.

Fantastic Idea #2 (this is the result of me getting very sporadic work for the past 2 weeks. The world can thank me later). I shall not reveal how I came up with this (after all, I don't have Billy Mays screaming in my face "HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS IDEA??") Let's just say, out of necessity comes invention. When you take a pregnancy test (a hypothetical "you" for the men in the house) generally there appears one pink line or two. Thus, the reason for the country song Two Pink Lines. Lately, I have seen the ones that say either "yes" (well, I personally haven't seen that one, but I'm assuming it's a "yes" although I guess it could say "hell yeah") and "no". What I propose is a kinder, gentler pregnancy test, because really what hopeful woman wants to just see "no"? As a woman, this is how we read that: "Of course you're not pregnant. You are a failure at this, just like you were in Psy 101 and dating Paul Wildt. Put the stick down (and wash your hands for crying out loud) and go get a glass of cabernet because honestly you are a much better drinker than you would ever be as a Mom." So, I would like to see a pregnancy test that says "I'm sorry, you aren't pregnant this time, but don't stop trying! You are getting closer every month and you're doing great. Go pamper yourself and take a week off work when you do get the "monthly visitor" because girl, you deserve it! You're beautiful and you're having a great hair day." And then it would flash a picture of George Clooney blowing a kiss. Is that so much to ask? Apparently, it is because as Neal said when I brought the idea to him, "you would need a stick this long" and then proceeded to stretch his arms out as far apart as possible. Well, some women...well nevermind.

I don't really anticipate either of these ideas to materialize, partly because there's no money in the coffers and partly because I don't want to explain to Billy Mays how I came up with it. But if anyone out there makes it happen, could you hook a girl up with just a little bit of credit? It would be a great resume-builder.