Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Try a New Food Tuesday: Just Add Water

As promised, this week I am trying an M.R.E. (AKA Meals Ready to Eat...AKA Field Food...AKA I was eating way better than Neal for the entire month of June). I was under the absurd impression that just add water meant that it was all dehydrated and that after adding water, the meal would expand to its typical size...sort of like those dinosaur sponges you used to win at the county fair. Not so. And, for the first time, this is actually much more fascinating.

Today's lunch: Spicy Penne Pasta with peanut butter, crackers, lemon-lime "Gatorade" and almond poppyseed spongecake. Mmm!!

Just add water...

This is everything laid out. Everything in brown is food, the green package is the "oven", and the clear baggie contains apple cider mix, a fresh moist towelette, salt, pepper, toilet paper (for those who have to go right after they eat), and a pack of matches (for those who have to go explosively right after they eat).

The first step is to take the main course, which is spicy penne pasta today, and stick it in the heating packet. The white pouch at the bottom looks a lot like a ThermaCare Heat Wrap, but heats water instead of flesh.

In the field, I would have a canteen with water for preparing the meal. On the floor of my office, I have a plastic bottle of water. After doing this entire experiment, we realized it would have been much more realistic if we'd found a bush or something to squat by.

The next part all happens very fast. As soon as you pour the water in, the chemical reaction begins and you have about -4.5 seconds to roll the end of the cooking pouch and stuff it in the original box that the main course came in. Then you shove it against something solid because the pouch will begin to expand as the steam is released. There is also steam coming out the other end. My fingers didn't stay there very long. The entire heating process takes about 10 minutes.

While my penne cooked, Neal suggested I fix an appetizer of peanut butter and crackers. Really, all I'm missing at this point is the white linen tablecloth.

All that peanut butter clinging to the roof of my mouth sent me searching for my powdered drink mix. Lemon-lime...one of my least favorite flavors but hey, I'm down in the bunker, watchin' for insurgents and shooting everything that moves. Lemon-lime is the least of my problems. One of my more pressing problems is the colostomy bag they give you to drink from. Seriously, the Army can up-armor humvees but can't create a collapsible cup. Whassup with that?

Again, imagine my UK blue patio cup is actually a metal canteen with a camouflage cover. Thankyouvermuch.

And, apparently, I'm supposed to be using my field knife to open all of these packets, but craft scissors seem to be working just fine for me. Does that NOT look like the catheter bag of a very dehydrated patient??

And there I go drinking it...because GI Jane ain't got nuttin on me. Also...there is still peanut butter stuck in the roof of my mouth.

Oh! Lunch is ready! And a bonus freebie facial.

It looks exactly like Chef Boyardee...and actually, it tastes exactly like Chef Boyardee...if Chef Boyardee started adding red pepper chili flakes to their food, that is.

Neal says that the dried fruit is for a mid-afternoon snack. I don't personally eat cranberries, unless they are liquified and mixed with vodka...but I can see how these would be a lovely 4PM pick-me-up.

Dessert is almond poppyseed spongecake and it was not that bad. A little dry, maybe...but there's always the I.V. bag full of green juice to wash it down.

What's left over...the apple cider, moist towelette, toilet paper, salt, pepper, matches, and gum (which, according to Neal, is used for cleaning your teeth. In the 4 years we've been married, I can count the number of times I've seen Neal chew gum on two fingers...but maybe it's different in the field).

When the meal is over, you put everything back in the bag and pack it back to camp. Neal says you do this to keep the enemy from knowing how many soldiers there are traveling together and to keep them from knowing how well you're eating. If you're eating palmetto bugs and drinking your own urine, you may have less to live for than if you're dining on penne pasta and spongecake.

I have to say that it's been almost 3 hours since lunch and I'm still not the least bit hungry. Maybe all of my meals should be 1000 calories each.

25 comments:

  1. That was really neat! Thanks for sharing :)

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  2. Okay. Now THAT is funny! And peculiar. I'm mystified about the "oven". How the heck does that work??? And I'm with ya on the catheter bag - guh.

    At least Neal will really appreciate your cooking once he's home.

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  3. Hmmmm... this is very interesting. Thanks for trying it for all of us.

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  4. When my friend's dad came back from the first Iraq War, he brought us some lovely MREs. Can I just tell you that they were NOT AT ALL like these? I don't even know WHAT they were supposed to be, but there was definitely no discernible pasta. Or bright green urine.
    Amazing how far they can come in just 18 years or so. Whoa. That long? Really? I am old.

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  5. You are better than me, because no way would I ever try that.

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  6. My dad used to have a stash of MRE's when I was younger (he was in the Marines). I always thought it was a treat when we got to have one. My favorite part was the dried crunchy fruit squares. I don't remember ever having a beverage in one though. Aaahhh.... thanks for bringing back some good memories!

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  7. I had no idea that this is what our soldier have to do to eat! I have even more appreciation for what they do. That did not look easy or appetizing! Thanks for the schooling!

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  8. Wow, I definitely have a new found respect for these guys. Not that my respect was at all lacking, but still. I'm glad they at least try to jazz it up with some "spice."

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  9. This is SO COOL!!!! I want to try it! Not the whole fighting in a war part...I will leave that to the trained professionals. But that penne actually looks pretty good! And I'd take the lemon lime in a catheter bag over real urine any day of the week. :)

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  10. I saw Tom Brokaw or someone on 60 Minutes demonstrate this as well, and I found it so interesting!! Your demo was much better, I enjoyed the humorous commentary!

    Glad I stopped by today, really like your blog ;)

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  11. I've always wanted to know what those were like. I appreciate you taking one for the team and drinking green juice out of urine bag. I laughed so hard at this whole thing...especially the pinky up while pouring the water. Is that how the guys do it in the field as well?

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  12. That was 1000 calories? Sheesh! I would be panicked over trying to get that thing back in its pouch within a few seconds.

    You did that over carpet...you're brave!

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  13. That is just BIZARRE! Thank you for sharing lady!

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  14. I remember doing one of those back in the day. Mine was not as appealing as that BUT I commend you for trying it! I love that you sat on the floor and did this rather than at a table or a counter. And in a skirt, no less! Haha! Ally, you rock.

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  15. I rememebr when I was little my dad let me eat one of his. my mom's anxiety ruled the roost and she had a bin in the basement just in case of emergency. I don't remember anything but maybe the freeze dried little debbie brownie.

    I want experience this chemical heating! between that and your phone you'll be set for chemical exposure and radioactivity.

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  16. I need to let my friend know about these. Her husband is convinced that the world is ending and we need to have a survival plan. She needs an MRE stash in her car.

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  17. Wow, this was interesting! Thanks for the demo.

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  18. I remember having these a time or two, but like a few other people said...they were not that delectable and didn't have the heat bag. I love that!

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  19. A friend of ours won't eat chicken cacchitori (can't spell it, but you know what I mean). He swears that during Desert Storm he ate it three meals a day for six weeks. Don't think it was all that Chef Boyardee, either. Good research you did. Can't wait for next week.

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  20. You are such a brave lady.

    My question is, how random is that meal anyway? PB crackers? Poppyseed spongecake? There's probably some really strategic reason for it, but ot me it sounds like a meal I'd fix when we're running low on money and need to fix whatever is in the pantry.

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  21. Every so often I buy Kurt a couple of MRE's to keep in his gear bag for tactical call outs. A good wife "like you!" would partake in one with him. I'll tell him one of my blogging friends did it instead, LOL!!!

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  22. This is absolutely blowing my mind grapes.

    I'm pretty sure this means you could be an astronaut.

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  23. You are a trooper and I must say I'm really intrigued. I'm making a date of this. When we finally get to have our front porch drink night - we need to eat some MRE's sometime during this so I can say I've had more than Astronaut Ice Cream!

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  24. Now, did he school you in the MRE bomb? ;)

    The kids and I ate a couple of MREs when the hubs was at AT a few years ago, just to feel "close" to him. Not an experience that needs to be repeated, but still fun!

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That's it, let it all out....