Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Definition of Insanity

So, as we all learned on Tuesday, there is a reason why Neal came home from a month in the desert the same size (and maybe a few pounds lighter) and I'm having trouble zipping up my skirts now. M.R.E.'s are less delicious than a Bacon and Bleu cheeseburger from Wendy's (which are phenomenal. If you like bleu cheese, this is the way to go!) followed by a limeade from Sonic during their Happy Hour. As we were preparing for a motorcycle ride on the 4th of July, I came to the abrupt realization that the past month had not gone as I had intended. I took my stability ball and bands to Kentucky so that I could continue to work out while I was home. I even had my former co-worker and Pilates instructor come over for a class in my empty house. And then I stopped. I went to breakfast with friends, lunch with friends, and dinner with friends. And the apple-shaped Allyson grew and grew and grew...so much so that when my husband said, "put on your jeans, we're going for a ride," instead of bouncing happily into the bedroom to change and thinking about how great my ass would look on the back of that bike, I wondered if I could just wear sweats instead. Over-sized Army sweats.

I was lamenting this to him as we toured the gardens in Ft. Valley last Sunday, roasting in my dark denim and extra layers of fat protection, when he said, "well, you're in luck because guess what's coming next week." Oh, guessing games. Yip. Ee.

"An elliptical?"
"No."
"A Pilates machine?"
"No."
"A personal trainer and personal chef who will live in our back 2 bedrooms?"
"No."
"What then???"
"Insanity!"

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Gggrrrreeeeaaatttt.....won't this be fun?

Now, let me just say that yes, I have a degree in Kinesiology and yes, I was a fitness director/group fitness instructor/personal trainer for a number of years...but I believe in exercise in moderation. I don't think the entire world is meant to have 8 pack abs and actual arm definition. And I've never seen either one of those things on me (which may or may not have anything to do with the whipped cream I put in my coffee at breakfast or the ice cream I have after dinner every evening). I was always the chunkiest one at the fitness conferences, but I saw myself as healthier, not fatter. I did not have an unhealthy relationship with food...we knew how to co-mingle in the world very well, as a matter of fact. And I could teach back-to-back Spinning classes and finish it off with a Pilates class and still have energy left over to lift. I was in shape...just not skinny. I have a feeling this about to change all of that.

I did the Fitness Test last night. Granted, I had already done 30 minutes on the Wii Gold's Boxing game...but I kind of thought I was going to die in my living room and the cats would gnaw off half my face before Neal came home to find me. In preparation for today's workout, we watched the DVD in bed last night. It looks hard. And by hard, I mean whatever is four stages beyond impossible. But if I die, Neal will have to find a new woman who puts up with that throat-clearing thing he does in the shower. And that's probably not going to happen....so maybe he'll stop the DVD before my heart gives out.

Maybe I'll have 8-pack abs and cellulite-free legs at the end of 60 days. Or maybe I'll get pregnant and won't have to do any of it. I'm kind of OK with either. There are demons to face in both scenarios and neither will be easy. But perhaps I could lose baby 1 fat before baby 2 comes...

15 comments:

  1. Muscle man up there scares me. I'm actually starting The Firm's Total Body Transformation system this weekend. I watched the DVDs in advance also. Those perky chicks scare me, too, but in a whole different way. I'm pretty sure I can handle The Firm. Insanity...not so much. I'm insane enough, thanks. But good luck to you and please don't die. I'd miss you too much!

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  2. You won't die. You will THINK you will die, but you won't. You will WANT to die, but you won't. And that goes for option 1 and 2.

    I have just started jogging again in the last two weeks and it is seriously hard. But I just keep reminding myself how great it felt to really be in good shape. But it sure does suck getting there. I'll bitch and gripe with you. Misery loves company right?!

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  3. Man, I want to do those. I mean, okay, I don't really WANT to, per se, but I NEED to and have been looking around for a used copy to buy from someone. Jason thinks it'd kill me. And it may. Huh, maybe his deathtastic thoughts are what put the kabosh on my looking for it... you'll have to tell me how it goes. I'm very, very interested. And hope you don't die.

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  4. I'd be rooting for the pregnancy so you can skip out on that! Yikes! It looks brutal!

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  5. Thank you SO MUCH for visiting my lil corner of the web... and for bringing me around here (and I also love Shana's writing, I read her blog ALL THE TIME!). You, my dear, are hysterical. First things first, this DVD looks scary. You're right. We're not all meant to have 6-packs (or 8 packs, whatevs) and Madonna (the later years) arms. Just doesn't suit everyone (actually, those arms don't look great on her either). But I do have to give you credit for at least being open to the idea. Please let me know how it goes and don't die. I want to read about your first INSANITY workout :)

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  6. After P90x I think I've had my fill of daily DVD workouts. It just stops being fun, but 60 days sounds much more doable. And don't take the fitness test to heart, you'll be able to do more than you think!

    I have never had ab or arm definition and I'm ok with that. I tell all the skinny bitches to go eat a hamburger...it's good for you!

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  7. I know exactly how you feel, because when I got home from the gym this morning and collapsed on the floor my thoughts were "I'm glad I don't have a dog to eat me before my roommates get home."

    And there is nothing wrong with whipped cream or ice cream.

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  8. How about Denise Austin or an old Jane Fonda instead? Way more sane, methinks! Or jazzercise? I totally think it's a good idea to do something, but this looks a bit extreme! Good luck, tho. 'Cause I bet you will do it.

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  9. I have gained 15 lbs since January. The Wii Fit informed of this sad fact last night as it made my Mii belly grow and grow. At this point I'd welcome another pregnancy. It would give me an excuse.

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  10. Ohhhh you gotta dig deep with this one my friend! Enjoy the 1st month while you can... the 2nd month is brutal! BUT it's doable. You can do it! It's all in your head. :)

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  11. I feel like I might relate to this.

    I gained about 10 pounds this past winter, but I convinced myself it was due to stress eating and the fact that this is town got about 7 inches of snow every day for 3 months solid.

    Now, it's Summer. I have gained 5 more pounds.

    This is not going like I thought it would.

    I hope Insanity doesn't lead to cat-face-gnawing scenarios.

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  12. I didn't lose my extra fat before our baby was made and I'm paying for it now. And I swear to God if ONE MORE PERSON judges me with their eyes for eating a tiny bag of potato chips I will slap them senseless. I have the strength of one full size woman and a tiny baby fetus.

    But Insanity? Sounds insane. Like something an insane person would do. I was never super skinny, I never once had arm or ab definition, but I'm also very short so every pound looks like two. Anyway, point is, I would run or walk or do a workout video, but would i make myself miserable in the process? HELL to the NO. But kudos -- seriously -- I hope you kick ass at it, because if you do I'm totally buying insanity after the baby. I'll already be insane.

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  13. Is this like the 60 day version of P90X? I'll just go ahead and say a prayer for you right now. It's like Jillian Michaels, P90X, and then *this guy* Mr. Insanity. I mean, his abs do look great but he looks pissed that he can't have a cheese fry. Good luck! I can't wait to see the blog posts about this! You can do it!

    P.S. Ryan does that throat clearing thing TOO! OMG! SOOOO irritating.

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  14. So...you're a few days in...are you still alive?

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  15. OK now that I read this I realized it was so not your idea but I'm still behind you 100% *gives Neal the side eye* (but then smiles) - I'm smiling because I totally thought I'd die doing P90X and low and behold I'm still kicking. It's not going to be easy but you have the skills and the know how you can do this. And like you said... if you get prego... oh darn you'll just have to worry about it later ;) *fingers crossed for babies*

    You can cry and moan to me I'm all ears girl!!! ox YOU CAN DO IT!

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That's it, let it all out....