Sunday, February 21, 2010

On Being Mommy and Daddy

I am usually so good about sitting down and jotting out a little poem...I have millions of them from high school (all that teenage angst and all. I counted once...my world ended approximately 463 times. And that was just my freshman year.). But I've got brain block. All I can come up with is "You were just two thin blue lines"...and then...crickets. And a bullfrog. I think when I get past today, it will come. Probably while I'm standing in line at KMart and I will have to scribble it furiously on the back of a People. Oh...who am I kidding? I don't shop at KMart. But definitely Trader Joe's. And then it will be all over some biodegradable pulp-less receipt, which will disintegrate before I even get out of the parking lot. But it's not here now and that's what matters. So, I'm going to borrow from a stranger because he seems to kind of get it. And it's a he. The he's never get it. And the record of our son's delivery on September 15th, exactly one week after my 31st birthday. Exactly one week after that is our wedding anniversary. September has suddenly become a very bi-polar month for me.

I can't even tell you how badly I've missed blogging, reading blogs, blog-surfing and commenting on blogs. This week was crazy because of all the jewelry sales...which should not in any way sound like a complaint. But writing is like oxygen for me and it feels like I've stayed under water just a little too long. So, tomorrow night it's back to business as usual. And blogging as usual. I have to tell you, I've been saving up some gems...there is a 911 operator out there who thinks I'm off my Cracker Barrel rocker and I can't write down the Neal-isms fast enough. If he doesn't want to be a featured character in this blog, he sure doesn't act like it. He's got diva written all over him. All he's missing is the tiara. Well, and the hair to hold on the tiara. Also? Guest post coming on Wednesday! Hold on to your days-of-the-week underwear! So, back to our regularly scheduled tales from the fark side and harrassment...er...commenting tomorrow! And now...a message to our son...

"Little One"
by Gary Winters

We had wanted you for so very long,
Or so it must have seemed at times.
Now we know we'll have forever,
To keep you in our minds.

On that joyful day when we learned
That you were on your way,
We opened our home and hearts,
And planned for a permanent stay.

We never saw your smile.
We never held your hand.
You never had your birthday.
How can we understand?

To hear you laugh, to dry your tear
To share your life each day
To see the wonder in your eyes
As you find your rightful way.

We're told we should forget you,
"You'll have another someday,"
Don't they see the pain we feel,
Is bruised by what they say?

We never saw your smile.
We never held your hand.
You never had your birthday.
Someday we'll understand.

Nolan Shepherd
End of May - September 15, 2010
You will always be loved and missed, but we will see you again someday. Until then, Papa and Granny - please take care of him for us.
Love, Ally and Neal

23 comments:

  1. Allyson, you made a single tear come out.

    I don't know what to say, really, other than I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your hubby. The poem is just lovely. The little delivery certificate is heartbreaking.

    He's your angel and I truly believe our angels watch over us always.

    Thinking of you today and tomorrow during this really difficult time! And we'll be here waiting for you when you're ready to get bloggy again.

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  2. Oh Allyson, I am typing this with my eyes full of tears. I am so sad for your loss. But I agree with Amanda about him being your angel. You have your very own guardian angel to look down on you and Neal forever.

    Many, many hugs and kisses to you, honey.

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  3. Allyson. So sad. So beautifully and thoughtfully written. I am crying because while you have mentioned this before, this post made your loss all the more heartwrenching to me.

    and your strength all the more powerful.

    You have many people who will root for you and are here when you are ready. And you should always, always write. But never feel guilty when you can't.

    When you can, do. and otherwise, just don't sweat it.

    Much love to you, Neal and your angel. He is loved and very much knows how much you care.
    Kiran

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  4. Allyson, I, too, am sad for you, but glad you are taking this time to honor your son's memory. The tiny footprints are so beautiful and touching. Take the time you need, and we stand by to welcome you back.

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  5. We are thinking of you during this time and always. Beautiful post...

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  6. How heartbreaking for you and your husband. I can't imagine how painful this has been. I hope the poem brings you strength as it is perfect for you.

    Take care and God bless your Angel.
    xx

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  7. A beautiful poem for such a heartbreaking occasion. You're so in my thoughts today...

    BIG HUG.

    xoxo
    Sarah

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  8. I don't even know what to say. The poem is beautiful. Thinking of you today. Hugs!

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  9. This made me cry. Not so much the post... or the poem, which was sweet.

    But the picture. All the hugs you can stand.

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  10. Awe, how sad. You are such a strong woman for getting through that. I'm so glad that you and Neal have each other to lean on for support. You RL friends, and your bloggy friends too. My heart goes out to you guys.

    Big Hugs
    Shandal

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  11. You know how much I admire your strength and wisdom. My eyes and my heart are full of tears for you today. You are an incredibly strong and courageous woman for sharing this with the world. Someone is going to stumble upon this and it will be the post that will help them get through a very hard life moment. The honesty of your words and the raw emotion that you share are valuable. I hope that getting this out makes you breathe a little easier. "Gives you oxygen" as you said. Many hugs and prayers for you today friend!

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  12. You have been on my mind all day, friend. The fact that you were able to share this in your blog speaks volumes about your strength and I wish that I could be there to give you the world's biggest hug.

    Much love to you and Neal, everyday, but especially right this very moment.

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  13. i have been thinking about you all day today-sending mush love and prayers your way. i am typing this through tears as well- and words don't seem enough.
    xoxo

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  14. much** love. see- can't see through tears...

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  15. I've been thinking of you all day and knew I couldn't visit your blog until this evening. My heart and love and thoughts go out to you and Neal in this time. I can't begin to imagine how all of this feels but I want to offer my support. If I could hug you right now I would. oxox

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  16. I too am at a loss for words and I am thinking about you and your husband today. I am so sorry this happened to you. A long distance hug to you.

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  17. Wow! I don't even know what to say! That fine piece of arse, Kiran, just introduced me to you... I'm so sorry for your loss! Sending you good vibes and happiness!

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  18. Such a beautiful poem. Best thoughts to you both.

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  19. I can't imagine trying to find the words to encompass all those thoughts and feelings.

    Many good thoughts to you. *hugs*

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  20. I know this is an older post but I'm sniffling while I read it. I'm so sorry for your loss. You Papa and Nanny will watch over for him and you will see him again. Much love and virtual hugs to you.
    xoxo

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  21. I'm so sorry I missed this when you posted it! Big hugs honey. I'm always here if you need me.

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That's it, let it all out....