Saturday, February 6, 2010

Love Tank is Full; Funny Tank is Runnin' on Fumes

In the past 3 days, I have discovered something interesting and especially obnoxious about myself. The more jewelry I create (and describe and post on Etsy), the more brain farts I have in the writing arena. Sort of like...I have X amount of funny, wit, and snark stored in the parietal lobe and when that's all's all "yo mama" and "talk to the hand" and "well....bite me." Good for business...bad for blog. It probably doesn't help that I'm watching Lock Up: Raw and listening to Kris Delmhorst while typing this. Yes, Alex...I'd Like ADHD Tendencies for $500, please. Oh,'s the Daily Double.

Anyway, in true junior-year-of-college fashion, I have 25 minutes to make good on a promise to post a recipe, 2 awards, and a short anecdote on Neal's version of trail mix. we go...because in a lame attempt to chase off a headache, I drank a glass of wine and all that did was make me wish I was more horizontal right now. And not in a slutty way. In a biteguard-in, lights-out kind of way.

The One Thing That Will Make a PMS'ing Girl Spend Her Last $5 on Chips Instead of Tampons:

Chocolate-Dipped Ruffles
with special thanks to the Real Simple Magazine. Aside from comforting me about my OCD habits (so glad I'm not the only all-spices-face-North-freak in your readership) on a monthly basis, your magazine has provided me with this recipe AND the best fake-it-don't-make-it blackberry cobbler recipe EVER.

2 ingredients. If you can't handle that, you should not be allowed to even have access to a kitchen. You should be cooking your snacks over an open flame, sitting on the edge of your toilet (thank you, Lock Up: Raw, this is invaluable knowledge).

1. Family-size bag Ruffles (go ahead and get 2 because we all know the top 2/3 of the bag is full of air and corporate greed).
2. A bag (or 4) of chocolate chips (I spring for the Ghiradelli dark chocolate chips because of the antioxidants. And because life is too short to eat generic, off-color chocolate. I will buy Kroger-brand Nyquil, I will not buy Kroger-brand chocolate.)

1. Melt chocolate in a container in the microwave. (I'm sure you should be using a double-boiler or something fancy and fireproof, but I have a glass storage container that works perfectly. Plus, if you run out of chips before you run out of chocolate, you put the airtight lid on and save it for an encore...preferably for breakfast.)
2. Dip the Ruffle chip in the molten chocolate and place it on a piece of wax paper.
3. Store in the freezer for about an hour (the cryogenic process improves the crunch factor and keeps you from burning all of the important taste buds off. But if an hour is too long to way, I shall not judge).
4. Eat with pure abandon as you re-watch Steel Magnolias and cry when Shelby dies. Again.

*But in moderation. And by moderation, I mean in the way that Baptists enjoy wine...not in the way Catholics enjoy wine. If you live on these for 2 weeks after 30 grueling days of P90X, I am not to be blamed. You've been warned.

Last Saturday, Snowmageddon arrived in Bluegrass Country (although it seems Mother Nature saved her true bitchy burst for Salt, The Anti-Journalist, and The Scholastic Scribe. Sorry about that, girls. Here's hoping you don't lose anything your the aftermath of Arctic El Nino). It snowed about 6 inches, according to our incredibly scientific method of sticking a ruler in the middle of our yard. I sat at home all day and dreamed, sketched, and planned the perfect snowman. When Neal returned home from playing Army, I announced that I was off to fashion a Frosty. I gathered the necessary accessories and donned every waffle weave and goose-down garment I own. I hadn't built a snowman since 7th grade. Snow sculpture urges had been accumulating in my blood for many years now. Time to let out the beast.

Until Neal picked up a handful and said, as it ran effortlessly through his fingers, you can't build anything with this. Too dry. We could hose it down. And then visions of dragging out all 20 feet of garden hose just to wet half of the yard, prepping it for the perfect snowman, flashed through my mind. Let's just go for a walk instead. Neal agreed and disappeared inside for...well...awhile. It was so long that I thought about going in to get him, but then decided that if it was a last-minute bathroom run, I didn't want to walk in on that. So, I waited. And waited a little more. And thought about making snow angels. But then decided that I liked my underwear exactly as it was. Dry. Finally, he emerged and off we went.

We have a 4-mile loop that we walk a lot in the summer. About 2 miles in, Neal turned to me and said, Do you want something to drink?
Oh yes, please. (No water all day makes Ally a thirsty snow hiker).
And then he whipped out the flask. With bourbon. On a walk. A leisurely walk. Through the middle of the neighborhood. The neighborhood that doubles as an advertisement for Honda mini-vans and the importance of competitive swimming in building a child's self-esteem. So, what to do? Yes, drink of course. It burns...oh it burns...all the way down. Ring o' fire.

I need a chaser....I don't do straight bourbon, remember?
To which he pulled out a bag of chocolate-covered coffee beans...a holdover from his stocking, 2 Christmases ago. So, through the family-friendly neighborhood we went, swigging bourbon and noshing on coffee beans. Because really...what's more American than that?

OK...awards...I have 2. I'll post them tomorrow. It's after midnight, Cinderella...and I still need to brush teeth and find a non-intrusive way of getting the words "I got soul, but I'm not soldier" out of my head. And I think this is over 500 words. I will also post my Who Dat necklace. My team allegiance lies in what Michael's had in stock. Fleur-de-lis(es?) abound in that place. Horseshoes? A little harder to find. In the Derby state. Go figure. Secretariat is rolling over in his horsey grave right now.


  1. "go ahead and get 2 because we all know the top 2/3 of the bag is full of air and corporate greed"

    Who said you weren't funny. That is hysterical as is you open paragraph

  2. I so have to try that recipe.

    And I freaking love that you were drinking from a flask on your neighborhood walk! Hahaha!

  3. The walk sounds like such a unique experience.
    I want snow..I'm dying for some snow in my end of the world!

  4. The flask on a walk is hilarious!!!! I must admit that the sound of those chocolate chips is oddly appealing to me!

  5. It's pretty nervey (ie?) of you to post that recipe when I'm pms'ing. And your Baptist/Catholic analogy was perfection.

  6. Yes, I will be making the chocolate cover Ruffles. Thank you very much! And a 4 mile walk in the snow eating chocolate covered coffee beans and swigging bourbon. I need to try that. Never could have come up with that combination!

  7. Huh. I'm not sure what I think of chocolate dipped Ruffles. Then again, I like chocolate covered pretzels. Same difference, right?

  8. You are SO right. If I had read this before shopping yesterday I would have bought chocolate and chips not tampons n' advil!!!!

    I love that you're a woman of principal. NEVER buy generic chocolate, EVER! I agree 100%

    Sipping bourbon in the snow makes me think of the years in HS going sled riding and drinking black berry brandy. MMM.

    Stay warm!! I can't wait to see your Saints gear!!!

  9. If that ain't Kentucky, I don't know what it. And my hubby and in-laws are all from KY and I grew up next to it -- so I know KY. :)

    Your post is pretty funny for your funny tank to be completely empty!

  10. And here I've been content to dunk my Ruffles in plain ol' dip--well, not anymore!!! I will SO be trying this. OH, and I LOVE chocolate covered coffee beans, no way would I have any leftover to share on a walk, so woohoo hubby =)

  11. Ya know, I'm that way, too, only not in the jewelry dept. I only seem to be able to focus on one creative pursuit at a time. But those chocolate-covered tater chips--I'd be able to focus on them honeys REAL good!

  12. That's about the most romantic walk I've ever heard of - keep that man close at hand!

  13. My husband I are watching the BIG GAME right now and we are eating chocolate-free Ruffles. I just told him about your Ruffles and he replied, "Haven't you seen those? They were on Unwrapped.". Whatever.

    Sorry to hear that your snowman building dreams were dashed. :)

  14. before i can even finish reading, i must comment. NOT TRUE that you've lost your funnies. i die laughing out loud. im actually going to go and call my mom and read this to her. that funny.

    also, my new 21 day old tight ass hates you in advance. i may or may not be posting 30 day pics bc of you.

    now. on to reading.

  15. you guys seem like a dynamic duo.

  16. i love the recipe but i love the vision of you guys freaking pounding bourbon on your power walk. screw bottled water. you guys always do it with style!

  17. sooo, that recipe is perfect for my valentine's day, man hating, wine driniing, chick flick watching marathon.

    p.s. is it über awkward that I found that story about you and Neal incredibly cute?!

  18. You're so crazy!!!

    No snow here, but lots of grey, cloudy boringness!!

    Can't wait to see what you've made!!

  19. Yum! I need the blackberry cobbler recipe :)

  20. That sounds like the most perfect walk ever. I can totally see why you love Neal and all his genius ways.

    Hmmmm... choco covered chips. Interesting. I wouldn't have guessed it, but I'm sure it's quite good.

    And this - "I got soul, but I'm not soldier" - is probably my favorite part of that entire album.

  21. Ok I know what I'm getting on my next grocery shopping trip. Then I will blame you for the acne and bliss that will surely follow.

    Oh and the mental picture of you on a leisurely walk tipping back a flask and popping 2 year old chocolate covered coffee beans? Priceless.

  22. A recipe with two ingredients - that's what I'm talking about! Chocolate covered ruffles sound both gross and awesome at the same time.

    Also, I thought I was following your blog but apparently I wasn't. I am now.


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