Thursday, February 11, 2010

Curling: Not Just For Irons Anymore



I am about to be overcome with ring fever. Specifically? Olympic ring fever. Ever since Michael Phelps and his mom (AKA Michael Weston's mom), I've been anxiously anticipating tomorrow. Something about team spirit (not to be confused with Teen Spirit, which smells much worse than Mr. Phelps' mildewed Speedo, rotting in a locker) and medals made of gold and hearing our national anthem over and over again. I'm especially fond of the Winter Olympics because where else can you see grown men with push-brooms furiously polishing ice and belting out "heh", "ha" and "hoh"? It's an American past-time.

OK, actually...it's not...but it should be. It should be one of those sports that kids who grew up in Queens talk about all the time. Like dice. Not like gang-banging. To me, it's frozen bocce ball and it deserves respect and love, just like the luge or the biathlon.

Because I've got the Olympic vapors, I have scored some new-found Winter Olympic wisdom, which I will share with you (and if you don't believe me, check Wikipedia. Very simple...unlike my fact-checking missions for the manure that Neal spreads around here so thickly. I'm sorry, I just have a hard time believing that the rotation of the earth determined our 7-day week. But thanks for trying.)

1. The event we now know as biathlon was originally called the military patrol. Not sure what the winter biathlon is? It's cross-country skiing paired with rifle shooting. Personally, I think you can only appropriately train for this sport in Canada...where you can ski for days and then shoot into the air without any danger of committing homicide. Those NYC boys? SOL.

2. The 5 Olympic rings represent the 5 major regions of the world: the Americas, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Oceana. I'm not sure where Oceana is...I've always thought that was one of the Titanic's sister-ships. Also, Australia? You should be pissed.

3. The Olympic Charter defines winter sports as "sports which are practised (yes, spell check...I realize that's incorrect. Those of us living in the colonies simply insist on giving "c" the soft "s" sound) on snow or ice." On a related note, no country in the southern hemisphere has ever hosted a Winter Olympics. I would assume it has something to do with bullet point 1.

4. The 1900 Paris Games remains the only Olympics where no medals were awarded. Instead, winners were given valuable pieces of art...which further proves my theory that you can't trust the French. How many "gold medalists" own The Last Supper with an extra apostle?

5. Speaking of "where in the hell do you practice that sport??"...it's been 22 years since the Jamaican bobsled team made its debut. If that doesn't make you want to add Cool Runnings to your Netflix queue, you're clearly uninterested in the Winter Games.

Opening Ceremonies start tomorrow night at 7:30 PM. I simply cannot think of a better way to kick off Champagne Friday than with this:

26 comments:

  1. I know I'm a bit slow, but I'm still thinking about the first day of the week issue. And, my conclusion...why does it matter? How about every day being the first day of the week? Why not? Talk among yourselves.
    Mama Virgo

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  2. Only a lady could get the "vapors" over the olympics. I'll be hanging by with the smelling salts, in case someone busts out the Iron Lotus.

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  3. I like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Games too. More life or death type stuff...like skiing off of cliffs and well...skiing off of cliffs. Curling is cool too. Enjoyed the fun facts about the Olympics especially that the Paris Games gave away valuable pieces of art. If that still held today... and the games were here in NC I guess the prize would be a BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich, or in Michigan the winners would get a car...Georgia, a bushel of peaches...I could go on...but I won't.

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  4. Oh I'm totally excited for the Winter Olympics! Cool Runnings was one of my fav movies once upon a time. Blades of Glory is also a very good flick! :)

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  5. ok...so first of all, i vommed in my mouth at the thought of the mildewy speedo, so thanks for that.
    secondly, i knew what biathlon was because i used to have a winter olympics sega genesis game, and that was my strongest event. i rock at that.
    i think oceana might be the place in the pics on salts blog today.

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  6. i'm coming to champagne friday. i'll bring the oj; i'm not allergic to oj. well some, but not the organic kind.

    i have an olympic countdown. and a torch.

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  7. I'm with ya...the sports I love the most in the Winter Olympics are the odd ones. Curling would be at the top of my list!

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  8. I've been watching clips of past winter Olympic moments lately--lovin' it!! I REMEMBER "do you believe in miracles", yes, I'm THAT old, LOL! My favorite "olympic" movie is "The Cutting Edge"--don't miss this one =)

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  9. I'm excited for the snowboarding but that's about it. And I know I'll forget to watch it because I'm all Un-American n' junk :(

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  10. YESSSSSSSSSSSS. I LOVE the Olympics! (And will be jumping on the posting bandwagon tomorrow haha).

    I want that guy's bike. OMG I might have to get some champagne for the opening ceremonies!!!

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  11. I love the Winter Olympics. If I coulda won the lottery we'd be there right now. There is always some sport that I didn't care about before that turns out to be really fun to watch. And figure skating (especially ice dancing) is my favorite sport after baseball.

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  12. Dude, I'm all kinds of excited about the Olympics. I've always been super jazzed about it.I will pretty much be sitting in front of my tv every evening for the next 2 weeks. Love these wikipedia entries. Nothing makes me more confident about a subject than a quick browse on the Wiki. It's always accurate [citation needed].

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  13. Man, i need to watch that movie again. Like tonight, in honor of the festivities (after the opening ceremonies, of course). My favorite quote - "Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!" I heart Will Ferrell so much.

    And you know what? You just totally educated me on what the rings mean. I'd be pissed if I were Australia too. Oceana got a ring over them?? Or, more likely, Oceana includes them? Still, that's total BS in my book.

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  14. I am so wanting Canada to win gold in Hockey. Pleaeeeeeees.

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  15. Funniest post I've read all day! I'm litterally crying over "Like dice. Not like gang-banging" and "Also, Australia? You should be pissed"

    Am totally pumped up for the Olympics now!

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  16. My husband loooooves curling....

    We just watched a documentary about Johnny Weir on Sundance... very interesting!

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  17. So. Are we all high from the champagne bubbles yet?

    And you are going to be in Phoenix?! Thanks close to me! (Kinda. Not really)

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  18. The hubs and I totally watched the opening ceremonies last night and it was so fun! I love the winter games!

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  19. We watched the opening ceremony last night. Or attempted to watch it as one child juggled various household objects and the other ran an electric train set in front of the tv. I should have had champagne.

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  20. ohmygosh, number 4 had me rolling.

    heh.

    kelly

    p.s. i just checked out your etsy site -- very pretty. i love pearls. LOVE.

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  21. Sorry, but I guess I'm just so over it already. All the snarkyness, and cheating, and just bad sportsmanship has just made me too cynical about the Olympics. I want my athletes to be paid and under contract to perform!

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  22. Love your Olympic wisdom - funny AND informative! Although, as a full fledged Canadian girl, I can neither confirm nor deny that we all practice biathlon. Daily. On our way to work.

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  23. Interesting fact about the Paris games! I haven't seen that crazy movie yet. I did see Meredith (from the Today show) fall and smack the back of her head on the ice while skating with Will Ferrell shortly after the movie came out. Ouch!

    What a fun post! :)

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  24. I still can't quite believe that the biathlon exists as a sport. It just sounds so made up. It sounds like something a bunch of drunk frat boys from Boulder, CO would come up with after getting new skis for Christmas.

    On the other hand, it must be fun to watch!

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  25. Alright... by far the funniest Olympics post I've read to date. (soft "s" sound...) Pfft... girl you crack me up.

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That's it, let it all out....