Friday, May 21, 2010

Champagne Friday with a Helping of Come-Apart

Happy Champagne Friday, y'all!

Judging by the status updates on Facebook, we have all been working for Champagne Friday...some since Sunday night...before the work week even started. We won't actually get to drink champagne tonight since we are driving back to Bluegrass Country as soon as Neal gets off work this afternoon. But that's not to say we can't pop a cork tomorrow night! And while we were perusing our local Publix on Tuesday night, we stumbled across these:

Someone...(Jessalyn maybe??) was telling me about these 4-packs of champagne, but I had never actually seen one until this week. So, if you are the only champagne drinker in your house and the idea of downing a whole bottle of champagne in one evening doesn't appeal to you (which, I hear, happens after the age of 35), here's your Choice B. Of course, if Jessalyn would just bless us all with those champagne stoppers she was giving away, we wouldn't have that problem, now would we?

So, I know I usually do a top 5, but I can't find our new tags for the Pathfinder and if I don't find them before 30 May, we can't drive the car off base because they won't let us back on. So, just one quick story for today.

Oh, and this is about bugs...specifically palmetto bugs. If you are eating breakfast/lunch/brunch/dinner/4th meal, you may want to come back later. Heaven knows I couldn't nosh on a hamburger and even tell this story, much less read it.

So, in my Georgian fantasy, there were palm trees, balmy January days, and day trips to the beach (notice the Air Force fantasy can actually stand alone, completely unlinked to the Georgian fantasy...meaning I do not have to be in Georgia to have the Air Force fantasy. I'm a planner like that.) Anyhawt, there were not big, nasty, flying cockroaches in my Georgian fantasy. Actually, they would probably fall under "4th dimension of Hell" for me. But dead, non-flying, 8-legs up and antennas splayed cockroaches are less craptastic...even though I still refuse to remove them from the house. That is listed in Neal's job description under "Duties of Tenant with a Penis." (Well, until he deploys and then I'll have to start wearing baggier jeans. Army wives have to grow some sort of attachment to house all of the courage we need for the next 13 months).

We went out with one of Neal's co-workers and his wife last night to celebrate her birthday. Beer flowed, stories were told, jokes were made. We rolled into the Brady Bungalow all jovial and relaxed (read: guard down). The cats spotted a millipede (or something long, skinny, and with about 4830285 legs). I beckoned for Neal. He came, he saw, and then he said, "well, what you should really be concerned about is that" and then he pointed to a living, breathing, crawling palmetto bug. Not sure what that looks like? Let me help you out.
And this one has covertly tucked his wings in beside no indication that he can just take flight and hurl his body toward your face at any time (which is exactly what happened to me last night as I stood on the couch and watched him inch across the ceiling). I think someone probably warned me that they can fly, but having never seen one do that, I just assumed they were talking about a different species. Nope. Same one. Wings and all.

Neal was retrieving the millipede when the giant, flying cockroach decided to dive-bomb me, so neither one of us saw where he ended up (because all I saw was the back bedroom, where I was running to...the furthest point away from the living room). This means that there is a palmetto bug roaming our house. Somewhere. We have looked under every piece of furniture (which, at this stage of the game, is not that difficult considering we have none), around doors, windows, and in bathtubs. No luck. Just the thought that I'm going to pull a chair out to sit and have lunch some day, only to find him laying there, waiting to be found, makes me want to puke. I spent about an hour researching exterminating solutions, even though the rental agency sprays every quarter. So far, I've found that bowls of beer, placed around doors and windows will attract and then drown them. And the maintenance guy just told me that he uses cedar bark around his house. I would prefer not to douse my house in Raid, as the girls are sensitive to chemicals (read: Poppy doesn't have a lick of common sense and will lick just about anything...including Lulu's Exit Only spot). So, I'm looking for alternative methods. I would also not wish to give birth to a 3-legged baby someday just because I had created a Chernobyl situation around the exterior of our home. But I also did not sign up to live in the same house as roaches. Just sayin'.

If any of you southern state-dwellers have suggestions, I am all ears. I will try pretty much anything and everything, short of fumigating every 5 days.

Sorry if I grossed anyone out to the point that they will not enjoy any food for the next 7-10 days. Welcome to my hell, though.
Cheers and Happy Weekend!


  1. Good God thats nasty!!! We also have them here, but I have rarely seen one make it indoors. I would see if there is an environmentally-friendly exterminator in your area. I have heard of some that use more natural solutions to get them out. I couldn't sleep knowing I could wake up with it on my face (true story but with a spider instead). I've got the heeby-jeeby's now.

    On a happier note, enjoy your champagne, you deserve it!

  2. That is a picture that keeps you up at night.

  3. If I had a dollar for every time one of my animals licked another's exit only, I'd be able to life the life of luxury as a SAH animal mom! Listen, get ready for some nastiness, bug style, living in the dirty dirty. Florida has THE most ridiculously disgusting bugs on the planet. I have been attacked many a time by a palmetto bug and it never gets less terrifying. Sometimes I will see them or their friend the La Cucaracha and will scream my ass off before Kelsey has to come kill it for me. *shudder*

  4. Well. I was looking to hop on a crash diet. Thank you. I can now properly fast for days. Barf.

  5. I'm with the SurferWife. That just cured any hungries I was about to have.

    My mom gets palmettos at her house in SC. I will literally run screaming from them. One flew in my face when I was in the hot tub once and I nearly died.

    But I have missed Champagne Friday oh so much and think that I must celebrate it tonight with some bubbly in your honor!

  6. It takes much more than that to turn me off food. In fact I don't think it has ever happened. And wonder if they sell that 4-pack up here? I'm gonna check it out.

  7. Oh my poor darling...I feel for you. See, up here in NY we have those little sons of bitches too. The manager of my old apartment complex tried to tell me they were water bugs. Water bugs, Palmetto bugs...hell, you can call them teddy bears if you doesn't change the fact that they are f-ing cockroaches and they are DISGUSTING!

    True grandfather was in the hospital and I'd gone to visit him after work. I walked into my apartment really late at night and the phone was ringing. I answered, walked into the kitchen and flipped on the light. I grabbed a jar of iced tea mix off the top of the fridge and I turned toward the sink to make a pitcher. I was distracted from my phone call and I was practically at the sink before I noticed the HUGE roach sitting on the edge of the counter. I damn near had a heart attack. I screamed and the phone and iced tea jar went flying. Of course the jar was glass and broke sending the mix all over the floor. My dad, who I'd been talking to, was freaking out because all he'd heard was my screaming...he thought someone was in my apartment.

    I calmed down and picked up the phone and when I told him what was going on he told me I was an idiot and to not scare him like that. He instructed me to smash it with a shoe, but this bastard was giant and I was wearing little strappy sandals. They were no match for that guy. I grabbed the empty iced tea pitcher and covered him with it so he couldn't escape. That's how I learned that they could fly. I freaked out again and knocked the pitcher over.

    I looked in the cabinet under the sink for some kind of bug spray, but all I could find was Pledge. I gave it a shot and did nothing but anger my little buggy friend. He promptly ran off the counter and chased me out of the kitchen. In my panic I lost sight of him...I think he went under the fridge.

    I then calmly packed a bag and went to sleep at my mom's. I didn't go back until the exterminator came. When I complained to the management company they told me I was exaggerating the size and it was just a little water bug. I saw another one not long after and managed to kill it by spraying it with bathroom cleaner. I put it in a baggie and taped it to the door of the management company (they were closed at the time) with a note asking if they believed me now. They paid for my exterminator to come monthly after that.

    I have no advice other than to try to find an exterminator that will use non-toxic and pet friendly products. I had mine come monthly and it was a huge help. You can also get roach motels and put them where the cats can't reach.

    Good luck...

  8. Yikes...that was a really long comment. Sorry...

  9. good lord that is soooo gross! I don't have any answers and I hope I never have to come up with a solution for them in real life.

    Good luck!

  10. Girl - I TOLD YOU THEY COULD FLY!!!!! You didn't want to believe me, nope same species. YIKKKKEEESSS!

    I will research and see what I can find. It seems that most roaches tend to vacate a house when people/animals move in. Every once in a while you'll find one but if I found any info I'll let you know.

    Glad to have you back ! ox

  11. Heya Ally, find you some boric acid. It is the bomb. It is a cheap powder that is human and pet safe (well, unless you have a pet insect) and can be found at Southern States and good hardware stores. You just lay a little down around the floorboards of the perimeter of the house, and it will cut down on roaches, crickets, palmettos, ants, all sorts of stuff. It is safe around pets, as it just causes the insects to dehydrate. For a few bucks, it's a great, relatively safe way to prep any new house. Especially ones formerly occupied by the Bradys. Hope Georgia is awesome, we miss ya!

  12. Well, you promised stories.... I was expecting something slightly different. But you know, it's good to understand your reality!

  13. Welcome to Georgia!!! Just wait for the springtime gnats...good times, good times! :D You enjoy it all for me hun, because I'm so outta this joint in 59 days!

    If you still love me, come on over and see Bella's graduation pics!

  14. Chris is right. Boric acid is the answer and not dangerous - as far as I know - to the children. You might also consider a cat. Apparently they will hunt palmettos.

    Nice to see a post again. Know you are swamped. Let us know when you are settled and can start telling us about the new place. good luck.

  15. oh how you make me laugh out loud every single time. i'e missed you like WHOA.

    k, so this is wy i totally could never move to georgia. beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, but bugs. big bugs. when we visited my bro at ft benning i knew that georgia and i would never get along well.

    I dont konw what to tell ya, but i wrote about bugs today too. not georgia peach bugs, though.

  16. Oh, girl! Roaches are the pits. And they LURVE it down here in Georgia! My advice? Have an exterminator come out and spray your yard. But it will be a long summer--with all the rain we've had in the last year, I'm sure they've been multiplying like mad. And I'm sure that now that I'm thinking about them, one will show up. In my bed. Blech.

  17. Also a warning to you...they come up out of the drains out when you're in the shower...

    I've had many experiences (none of them good) with Palmetto bugs (roaches in my book) but the funniest one was when I was in an on campus apt. in Auburn...4 to an apt. 3 of us were there and one was in the bathroom. We shut the door and waited for our 4 roommate (big girl with lots of issues but an amazing bug killer) to get back...we tried the large football guy next door but he flipped out and screamed more than we did. Roommate #4 came home, we shut her in the bathroom with a broom and the bug...we heard a bunch of racket but she came out 2 or 3 minutes later with the broom and a large dead Palmetto.

    I have no solutions for them...sounds like Borax may be your best option. It doesn't matter how clean you keep your house either, they come in looking for water...NASTY!

  18. So glad to see you back! Sorry but I have no advice for the bug situation. They seem to be more of a problem the further South you go. We have regular sprayings from Terminex....ants are our problem and we live in a newly built house! Palmetto bugs I have heard are a pain not to mention their ugliness and all around "ick" factor. Good Luck!!

  19. Oh man, did you finally find it? Man, those things FREAK ME OUT. When I was growing up, I used to spend a week or two of every summer with my aunt and uncle, who - even though it was in the middle of summer and they lived in the most hot, humid place ever - slept with the windows open. Well, being the most hot, humid place ever? Means that lots of water bugs live there. Yeah, "palmetto" sounds all nice and pretty. Down in south TX, we call them water bugs. And I always slept that entire week completely under the covers. I was so scared that they'd fly into my mouth while I was sleeping or something.


  20. i definitely did not know about that 4 pack before, and now i need them. seeing as i gave away a champagne stopper and do not have my own.

    um. bug. nightmares, heebyjeebs, uck. good luck with those nasties. seems like a waste of beer, huh? dumb bugs.

  21. Uggh uggh uggh. Terrible.
    I can deal with bugs outdoors (read: where they belong just fine, but in my house? Can. Not. Stand. Them.

    Once in college I called my boyfriend at three in the morning to deal with a giant cockroach that was crawling down the wall towards my roommate's bed (she was hiding in the closet screaming "Call Brian!"). I feel your pain.


That's it, let it all out....