Monday, November 16, 2009

It's Not Me Monday

And back off...where I am, I still have 2 hours until it's technically Tuesday. So, better late than never, yes?

  • I absolutely did not drink 1/2 flask of bourbon, some sort of blue alcohol served in a shot glass made of ice, a red-hot martini, 2 vodka and cranberries and a bottle of wine at The Brain Ball on Friday night. That would be a cry for help, a reason for a hand-delivered invitation to the next meeting (and not to Gamblers' Anonymous). And that would be a violation of my most stringent not mix brown and blue and red and clear and pink. You see it all over again.
  • I did not hug some random woman at The Brain Ball for saying to me "y'know, Army wives are the true heroes." That would be a) awkward and b) a denial of my husband's service to this country. And I am just a humble wife who merely loves her husband and her country...I seek no external gratification - especially for keeping a house running, 2 cars and a motorcycle operational, the bills paid, the pergola from crashing in through the living room windows...oh wait...sorry...
  • I absolutely did not take pictures of the egg-disks that the Hampton Inn attempts to pawn off on its unsuspecting guests while they are still in an alcohol/sleep fog. And I certainly did not take those pictures to post later, complete with a theory on how an egg goes from perfectly recognizable to....that.
  • On Sunday, I did not hit the side of the garage with Colonel Ketchup's front right quarter panel. That would prove that my driving has not actually improved since the last time I hit the side of a garage, 13 years ago. I use my mirrors and now realize that the speed limit is not merely a friendly suggestion to maximize your fuel economy. So, it would be unexplainable that I could peel (by friction) the rubber from the garage and subsequently transfer it to my beautiful Mustang...further more it is inconceivable that this act would be committed with such ferocity as to leave a dent the size of my hand in the same spot. And I would never try to pull the dent out with a toilet plunger - that only works in the movies and My Name is Earl. Besides, I would only do that with a brand new plunger, I would never get desperate and grab the one that my husband used. Ick.
  • When I woke up in the middle of night and got out of bed to get the water I had been trying to replace with espresso and bourbon, I did not eat 2 chocolate cookies just because they were sitting in plain site. That would completely contradict my strict diet plan to get back to an acceptable weight per my Gap jeans. Plus, if I had done that, being so dental-conscious, I would have flossed, brushed and rinsed again before heading back to bed. I drank my water and climbed back into bed, bypassing the bathroom all together. Therefore, I could not have participated in any cookie monster behavior at say, 2:30 this morning.
  • I did not skip my workout Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday due to lack of time, lack of hydration, lack of desire and lack of motivation to leave the bed (yes, in that order). That would contradict my strict exercise plan to get back to an acceptable....blah, blah, blah.

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