Things that make you go "AGHGHGHGH"!!

Now that it has been made official (and by "made official", I mean that the announcement has been posted on Facebook...what a world we live in) I can share the news with my blog readers. I seem to be with child. Well, I seem to be with something that is the approximate size of a kumquat. Every week, I receive an email that gives me the size of growing baby in terms of fruit. Last week it was "grape". So, my family spent the entire week asking me what "grape" wanted for dinner, whether "grape" wanted to go to the beach, if "grape" was going to shower after the pool. I have a feeling this fruit-baby is going to continue until birth as we will not be finding out what we're having. Anyway, with any great change in one's medical condition comes the possibility of having to deal with health insurance companies. I can honestly name 5 things I would rather do than try to reason with a health insurance representative:

1. Stick a fork in my eye and twist counter-clockwise.
2. Have someone clean my ears with ear-candles and accidentally use the flaming end.
3. Allow Neal to run over my foot repeatedly with the Prius (but not the Pathfinder).
4. Sit in my OBGYN's waiting room.
5. Use the restroom at a truckstop.
And so many more.... But alas there was a discrepancy over a claim made a couple of weeks ago so I had to call. To make it worse, it's Tricare, health insurance to the military and employer of the mentally retarded. So, the conversation went roughly like this:
Me: I need to make sure this claim is paid. So, what do I need to do to ensure that?
Captain of the HMS Rude (we'll just call her Cap'n): Well, this claim is not coded as medically necessary so it will be denied.
Me: OK well, it was medically necessary (and I proceed to tell her why, which I will spare you all).
Cap'n: Then you need to call your doctor's office and have them re-code it as medically necessary.
Me: OK. No problem. Can you tell me what is covered by our plan regarding pregnancy?
Cap'n: Anything that is medically necessary.
Me: Alright...what about my monthly doctor's visits that I'm booked for?
Cap'n: If they're medically necessary.
Me: And how many ultrasounds are covered by our plan?
Cap'n: As many as are medically necessary.
(Seriously??? She is getting paid to do this and it takes both hands to count the number of people I know who are out of a job and have a larger vocabulary than 2 words).
Me: OK. Well if you can send me the handbook for our insurance plan, that would be great.
Cap'n: If you go to our website, then all of your benefits are listed there.
Me: Well, I would still like a handbook. Can you go ahead and send me one?
Cap'n: (audible sigh, followed by what I could swear was wiping the grease off of her hands from her sausage and egg mcmuffin so that she can actually do a little work this morning). I will have to make a request for it.
Me: (Jeffrey Donovan-smile) That would be grrreeaattt...(Kiss this, Pollyanna!)
Cap'n: Alright it will be there in 8-10 days. Anything else?
Me: No, you have been SSSSOOOOO helpful (and my mother said my sarcasm would never get me anywhere.). Thank you sssoooo much.
Cap'n: Goodbye.
Me: Goodbye now, have a great...(click). day.

Either she found a hair in her McMuffin...or health care reform should start from the bottom, up...beginning with the representatives. Normally, it would be the kind of conversation that would drive me to mix a Bloody Mary. But I had a bag of M&Ms instead and thought about how her blood pressure is WAY higher than mine. Just remember, lady, you can be a bitch but you will have to cut back on your salt intake. Is it really worth it?