Try a New Food Tuesday: Death by Chocolate

The Air Force Posse (AKA The Sun Devil, Yaz, and Dane Cook's babydaddy) and I have been trying to gather once a week for scrapbooking, lunching, and general debauchery (or as much debauchery as the government will allow on federal property...which is, essentially, scrapbooking). A couple of weeks ago, we had just finished taste-testing The Sun Devil's scrumptious (and shockingly simple to make) array of Tastefully Simple dips and breads. As I reached into the fridge for a Diet Coke (because washing all of that down with pinot grigio would just be sinful. It was, after all, 2:30 in the afternoon), I noticed a rather large container with a slice of cake that was roughly the size of my head, including my Georgia fro. "There's cake in here!" I exclaimed. From the living room I heard, "Don't touch that, hooker! It's MINE!" Clearly, this cake was something special. Not blessed-by-the-pope special or even sneezed-on-by-Jon-Hamm special....but unique, nonetheless.

Me: Yaz? Why are you defending your cake's honor?
Yaz: Because it's from Maggiano's and The Sun Devil brought it to me when they went to Atlanta last weekend.
Me: OK...and?? I've had Maggiano's before. I'm not a total boob.
Yaz: It's Chocolate Zuccotto Cake and it's divine. *eyes rolling back into her head and I think, just for a second, I saw her orgasm face*
Me: So, can I have some?
Yaz: You don't understand. It's from Atlanta.
Me: So is Coke, but I don't have to beg for that around here.
Yaz: I will give you a small bite if you use it for New Food Tuesday.

And here we are....two weeks later and I finally have my shiznit together enough to talk about what an incredible experience it was. And for the record, the pictures really don't do it justice. This cake is such a rock star that it deserves its own head shots.

Getting up close and personal with that sambuca chocolate mousse and iced chocolate frosting.

I would also like to say that I could write a better, more accurate description of this sin in a bin if I could have had a bigger bite. That's all I had to work with...they wouldn't treat Paula Deen this way.

I know it's easy to be distracted by the hunk-a-scrapbooking-machinery behind me and the rainbow assortment of embossing powders...but please try to zoom in on eyes rolling back...

Well that was delightful and if it weren't for Weight Watchers and their bedeviled points system, I may have tried to make a run for it with the cake and the fork. I mean Yaz was sort of sandwiched between 2 card tables and yet another Cricut. I could have had at least a 20 yard head start. But alas...there are jeans with sizes in the low teens that must be squeezed into in the coming months.

Many thanks and chocolate breath to Yaz for "sharing"....although if it had been up to me, I would have taken the same size bite that Mama Virgo used to take of my McDonald's cheeseburgers when I was a weeAlly (which is about 1/2 of the serving size). I think I may be passing through Atlanta soon, though.

You heard it hear first: Maggiano's will make you fat and happy.

Try a New Food Tuesday: A Teaspoon of Puff Pastry Makes the Squid Go Down

Let me preface this by saying that we love calamari. I mean pink-bloated-hearts-and-rainbows-shooting-out-of-our-eyes LOVE calamari. Extra crispy with marinara or even just a squirt of lemon makes us drool and vibrate. Dried and shredded squid can't be that different, right? It's not deep-fried in a batter of southern goodness and sin...but it is the same animal. It's not like trying dried elephant just because I like frog legs.

Wrong.

So, so very wrong.

Exhibit A:
I'm assuming the characters down the side say something like "if you don't want to vomit in the back of your mouth, do not attempt to eat this. Dried, shredded squid should be reserved for reality show contestants and sadists only." And you know they can fit all of that into 3 characters because that's how they roll in Taiwan. (As I noticed today, there is an exorbitant amount of food packaging in the commissary that is not in English. Five years of French is doing nothing for me right now.)

The ingredient list is simple: squid (yeah, got that from the very first whiff), sugar (really?? No need to be stingy with the sugar, Orchids.), salt, and MSG sorbic acid lactose (yes, that is all one ingredient).

The smell is simple, too: fishy.

After getting busted on my last Try a New Food Tuesday, I've decided to devote a little more time and research (in the form of a quick Wikipedia search) to the food I'm taste-testing.

Dried, shredded squid is a seasoned snack that is most commonly found in Asian countries and Hawaii. True, this stuff was everywhere in Honolulu. More than once it prompted the idea of a Fear Factor Hawaii while we were visiting Princess Pomtini. It is also referred to as sun-dried squid and cuttlefish. This MSG-laden snack was most often consumed in Japan, as an accompaniment to alcohol (hey, beer nuts are not for everyone) until someone decided the English didn't know what they were missing. I would have to say that this would go down much more smoothly if there was beer (or vodka) involved.




Neal thinks so, too.


Anticipating a lingering fishy taste, I decided that we would need something to wash this down with, so I picked up these.

While I am reserving the full description for next Tuesday, let's just say they are layers of puff pastry, shaped like a pretzel. YUMSTERS!

I now realize that I need to devise a rating scale for Tuesdays. Surferwife has margaritas, Salt has an unrevealed rating scale for her new recipe blog...I should follow suit. While I think on it, I will simply say that if you like beef jerky with an aroma of Pacific Ocean, this could be the snack for you. If not, add sake and try again.

I'm Famous!....Sort of...

Imagine my surprise as I was reading comments on Tuesday's Try a New Food, Diana's Bananas version, to find the owner of Diana's Bananas had commented on my blog!

It went like this:

We're really happy that you tried and seemed to enjoy Banana Babies, their taste and nutrition and their ability to generate a great deal of fun!
Sincerely,
Bob Carmody
Owner, Diana's Bananas, Inc.
PS: We're in grocery stores all over the U.S.

I think I may have blacked out in my chair for a few seconds.

Unlike some of my lovely readers, looking at you, Blue Violet, I don't receive stuff in the mail to review. That has actually never happened. And rightfully so. I only write a review once a week and it has to be something that I found in the commissary. I'm not all that shocked that my daily mail consists of Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons and water bills. But I was shocked that the owner of Diana's Bananas, Mr. Bob Carmody, actually sat down and took time out of his day to comment on my blog. Y'all know I'm a freak about customer service. Fifteen years in the customer service business will do that to a person. And I have to say, even though I don't much care for bananas in general, Diana's Bananas just moved WAY up on my Things I Love list.

I am slightly chagrined by the way I reviewed Banana Babies because I did not really think anyone of any real significance to the company would read it. I was just making some honest statements about the taste, the look...which, really, can't be ignored by someone like me. Or, apparently, any of you. And not being one to believe everything I read, I decided to Google Mr. Bob Carmody...just to see if he really was who he said he was.

This is Bob Carmody:

via Bob Carmody's LinkedIn profile

First of all, he's in a flight suit standing in front of an aircraft that looks like something that flies over my house on an hourly basis. As someone who lives less than a mile from the landing strip at Robins AFB, I am so squealy that Mr. Bob Carmody is in a flight suit. I have no idea why...his profile indicates that he's been in the food production industry for most of his life. But it makes me happy.

And yes, it does list him as the owner of Diana's Bananas, "World's Best Chocolate Covered Frozen Bananas."

So, now that Mr. Carmody has invested a little time in Magnolias & Mimosas, please allow Magnolias & Mimosas to invest a little more time in Mr. Carmody. (And for the record, when I Googled him, it returned many links for bloggers that had reviewed his product and he had, in turn, commented on their post. I simply love it when a business owner understands social media and refuses to shrug it off as a trend.)

According to Diana's Bananas Facebook page, the company was founded on a whim, as most good companies are. In the mid-80's, Mr. Carmody was hosting a booth at The Taste of Chicago (which I've been to, uh....a few years after the mid-80's...and I would highly recommend it). He began to think about the idea of freezing a fresh, ripe banana and then bathing it in their chocolatier-grade melted bar chocolate. Then he says, "We each took a bite and passed it around. Our taste buds leapt for joy...and we sprung into action."

I love it when a man uses the phrase "leapt for joy." You don't hear it often.

He goes on to say, "Our team personally selects only fully ripe, creamy, sweet ripe bananas, which we quick freeze to -20 degrees Fahrenheit. The result is an easy-to-bite banana with texture so smooth, you'll think you're eating ice cream."

I think the commissary keeps their coolers a little too chilly because I didn't get creamy...I got sort of icy...but that's the military for you. Everything is just a little to the extreme.

Mr. Carmody also pointed out that they are available in grocery stores all over the country, although none of you have seen Diana's Bananas. So, please use this store locator link on the company's website to find the one closest to you if you're all frothy at the mouth right now for a frozen, dipped banana.

So, thank you, Mr. Carmody for putting your product in the commissary (you clearly have some link to the military...5 stars for that!) and good luck to you and Diana's Bananas....although you seem to be making your own luck and spinning your own success, one blog at a time. Bloggers have big mouths and big opinions. Kudos to you for taking advantage of it!

And seriously....chocolatier-grade melted bar chocolate and raspberries?? I have it on good authority that raspberries are the new banana....

Try a New Food Tuesday: Just Add Water

As promised, this week I am trying an M.R.E. (AKA Meals Ready to Eat...AKA Field Food...AKA I was eating way better than Neal for the entire month of June). I was under the absurd impression that just add water meant that it was all dehydrated and that after adding water, the meal would expand to its typical size...sort of like those dinosaur sponges you used to win at the county fair. Not so. And, for the first time, this is actually much more fascinating.

Today's lunch: Spicy Penne Pasta with peanut butter, crackers, lemon-lime "Gatorade" and almond poppyseed spongecake. Mmm!!

Just add water...

This is everything laid out. Everything in brown is food, the green package is the "oven", and the clear baggie contains apple cider mix, a fresh moist towelette, salt, pepper, toilet paper (for those who have to go right after they eat), and a pack of matches (for those who have to go explosively right after they eat).

The first step is to take the main course, which is spicy penne pasta today, and stick it in the heating packet. The white pouch at the bottom looks a lot like a ThermaCare Heat Wrap, but heats water instead of flesh.

In the field, I would have a canteen with water for preparing the meal. On the floor of my office, I have a plastic bottle of water. After doing this entire experiment, we realized it would have been much more realistic if we'd found a bush or something to squat by.

The next part all happens very fast. As soon as you pour the water in, the chemical reaction begins and you have about -4.5 seconds to roll the end of the cooking pouch and stuff it in the original box that the main course came in. Then you shove it against something solid because the pouch will begin to expand as the steam is released. There is also steam coming out the other end. My fingers didn't stay there very long. The entire heating process takes about 10 minutes.

While my penne cooked, Neal suggested I fix an appetizer of peanut butter and crackers. Really, all I'm missing at this point is the white linen tablecloth.

All that peanut butter clinging to the roof of my mouth sent me searching for my powdered drink mix. Lemon-lime...one of my least favorite flavors but hey, I'm down in the bunker, watchin' for insurgents and shooting everything that moves. Lemon-lime is the least of my problems. One of my more pressing problems is the colostomy bag they give you to drink from. Seriously, the Army can up-armor humvees but can't create a collapsible cup. Whassup with that?

Again, imagine my UK blue patio cup is actually a metal canteen with a camouflage cover. Thankyouvermuch.

And, apparently, I'm supposed to be using my field knife to open all of these packets, but craft scissors seem to be working just fine for me. Does that NOT look like the catheter bag of a very dehydrated patient??

And there I go drinking it...because GI Jane ain't got nuttin on me. Also...there is still peanut butter stuck in the roof of my mouth.

Oh! Lunch is ready! And a bonus freebie facial.

It looks exactly like Chef Boyardee...and actually, it tastes exactly like Chef Boyardee...if Chef Boyardee started adding red pepper chili flakes to their food, that is.

Neal says that the dried fruit is for a mid-afternoon snack. I don't personally eat cranberries, unless they are liquified and mixed with vodka...but I can see how these would be a lovely 4PM pick-me-up.

Dessert is almond poppyseed spongecake and it was not that bad. A little dry, maybe...but there's always the I.V. bag full of green juice to wash it down.

What's left over...the apple cider, moist towelette, toilet paper, salt, pepper, matches, and gum (which, according to Neal, is used for cleaning your teeth. In the 4 years we've been married, I can count the number of times I've seen Neal chew gum on two fingers...but maybe it's different in the field).

When the meal is over, you put everything back in the bag and pack it back to camp. Neal says you do this to keep the enemy from knowing how many soldiers there are traveling together and to keep them from knowing how well you're eating. If you're eating palmetto bugs and drinking your own urine, you may have less to live for than if you're dining on penne pasta and spongecake.

I have to say that it's been almost 3 hours since lunch and I'm still not the least bit hungry. Maybe all of my meals should be 1000 calories each.

Try a New Food Tuesday: It's Healthy Because It Has "Fit" In the Name

I know that y'all are going to call "chicken" because I went with a familiar food this week instead of something that contains fish eggs and cheddar cheese...but I can't be blamed. It just called to me. Beckoned me. Cried "Mama!" And so I took it lovingly into my arms, gave it a stroke on the lid and placed it gently in the cart. Oh how we've been parted for so long.

This week I give you....

Yes, it looks remarkably like Nutella...and yet it is NussFit! It is not Nutella...because it is HEALTHY!! It is FIT! It has a big ole price sticker from the commissary deli plastered across the back so it is impossible to tell how many calories per teaspoon (or...er...tablespoon...or...er...bowl). But it tastes simply heavenly spread on a bagel or across a cupcake or straight off the spoon, as it turns out.

Disclaimer: I did NOT just buy this today....because eating that much chocolate hazelnut spread in one sitting is unhealthy...regardless of the brand name. This has lasted the whole week. I would like to know where I pick up my prize for unmatched self-discipline.

Also, because I'm a giver, I'm going to share a recipe using NussFit (technically using Nutella but they seem to be one in the same...with the exception that, of course, this is much healthier). All the way from The Ungourmet, I give you:

The Best Zucchini Bread You Will Ever Eat Or Your Money Back
Click on the title for Kim's DELICIOUS recipe. There is no reason not to make this recipe. It has NussFit AND zucchini. Your cardiologist and personal trainer are basically begging you to do this for yourself. And while you're over there, go ahead and poke around a bit. Kim just posted a recipe for the most amazing burritos. I haven't tried them but if I could eat my laptop screen, I would.

Next up for Thursday is pictures from the luau...or what I remember from it. Note to fellow travelers: Hale Koa (which is the military hotel in Honolulu) makes the kind of Mai Thai that goes down smooth and doesn't hit you until you look from side to side too quickly. It is $7.00 of pure bliss and the best money I've ever spent on rented liquid. And it helps the poi go down a little smoother, too.

Try a New Food Tuesday

First of all, let me just say that one reason why I heart you all so is because when I say, "I have these really nasty, flying, prehistoric pests taking over my humble abode," you all say, "oh GUH-ROSS!!! Good luck. You may want to try Borax/getting a cat/living on the moon." The point is, you get it. And I love that. And you don't judge me for wearing pink everyday and having a meltdown over something with antennae and 6 legs. So, thanks for that because the lady at Lowe's yesterday just looked at me like I had 7 heads and then suggested that I should try living in Florida sometime. And then she proceeded to tell me about how she remembered growing up and seeing them scurry up the roof when it rained. Shockingly, that did not actually make me feel any better. And then she informed me that there is absolutely nothing you can do about them....they've been around for millions of years and the best I can do is learn to hold hands with their antennae and sing "Ring around the roachy." What I want to sing is...

"When there's something strange,
Crawling up your drain,
Who ya gonna call?
Roachbusters!"

Although Kelly liked cockbusters better, but then decided that would attract a whole different species of animal.

Anyway, I have all of the sink stoppers pulled and hair traps over all of the bathtub drains. And towels under the doors. I refuse to make it easy for them. If they can stroll in here with 10 of their best friends and a watermelon under each arm, then I'm doing it wrong.

On a different note, I was in the commissary today and noticed the rather extensive international aisle they have...and specifically everything from Germany and Asia. And then I looked around and noticed that I was one of the few young, American women in the store. The others were either brushing grave dirt off of one foot or hailed from across a very large pond. And they were all shopping the international aisle and buying things that started with 2 consonants. My next thought was that these were all military personnel and family members who had lived abroad for some time and had grown accustomed to certain foods...like liquer cake (which, I too, could become accustomed to without much prodding, I think).

So, this brings me to Try a New Food Tuesday, where I will buy a new food at the commissary (since the commissary is not open on Mondays, my new shopping day is Tuesday morning), give it a test run and either blog about it after I've finished the box or finished puking it all back up again in the guest bathroom. Either way, it's a new experience and experiences with food are sometimes too wonderful not to share.

This week's new food actually comes from our trip to Hawaii...land of pineapple...and Spam. Yeah. Spam. Who knew? Spam is not foreign to me. I've had it a couple of times at my grandparent's house (although their preferred redneck meat of choice was vienna sausages...which, I'm almost certain, did not come from Vienna). But the Hawaiians can throw back on some Spam and they will put it on or in almost anything...including sushi. Our last dinner in Hawaii was at one of those sushi places where the food cruises past on a conveyor belt and you grab whatever looks good to you. The plates are color-coded by price and when you are stuffed to the gills, the waitress tallies up your plates and gives you the bill. (For the record, I think this is a GENIUS way of serving the American public and if I could eat like this at all restaurants, I would). Even though I didn't snap a picture of this, I did not have any problem finding one on Google:

Google

Except that mine had a slab of egg under it. But otherwise, exactly the same.

And this is a pretty good representation of what Host Husband had while I was eating Spam:

Google

That is not spicy tuna, salmon or even eel wrapped in rice...it's hotdog...which, in some ways, is even scarier.

And that's our Try a New Food Tuesday for today. Remember...when in Hawaii, do as the Hawaiians and take your blood pressure pill because there is definite sodium chloride in your future.

Google

Because even 25% less sodium is 458% more than your cardiologist deems acceptable.