Try a New Food Tuesday: Just Add Water

As promised, this week I am trying an M.R.E. (AKA Meals Ready to Eat...AKA Field Food...AKA I was eating way better than Neal for the entire month of June). I was under the absurd impression that just add water meant that it was all dehydrated and that after adding water, the meal would expand to its typical size...sort of like those dinosaur sponges you used to win at the county fair. Not so. And, for the first time, this is actually much more fascinating.

Today's lunch: Spicy Penne Pasta with peanut butter, crackers, lemon-lime "Gatorade" and almond poppyseed spongecake. Mmm!!

Just add water...

This is everything laid out. Everything in brown is food, the green package is the "oven", and the clear baggie contains apple cider mix, a fresh moist towelette, salt, pepper, toilet paper (for those who have to go right after they eat), and a pack of matches (for those who have to go explosively right after they eat).

The first step is to take the main course, which is spicy penne pasta today, and stick it in the heating packet. The white pouch at the bottom looks a lot like a ThermaCare Heat Wrap, but heats water instead of flesh.

In the field, I would have a canteen with water for preparing the meal. On the floor of my office, I have a plastic bottle of water. After doing this entire experiment, we realized it would have been much more realistic if we'd found a bush or something to squat by.

The next part all happens very fast. As soon as you pour the water in, the chemical reaction begins and you have about -4.5 seconds to roll the end of the cooking pouch and stuff it in the original box that the main course came in. Then you shove it against something solid because the pouch will begin to expand as the steam is released. There is also steam coming out the other end. My fingers didn't stay there very long. The entire heating process takes about 10 minutes.

While my penne cooked, Neal suggested I fix an appetizer of peanut butter and crackers. Really, all I'm missing at this point is the white linen tablecloth.

All that peanut butter clinging to the roof of my mouth sent me searching for my powdered drink mix. Lemon-lime...one of my least favorite flavors but hey, I'm down in the bunker, watchin' for insurgents and shooting everything that moves. Lemon-lime is the least of my problems. One of my more pressing problems is the colostomy bag they give you to drink from. Seriously, the Army can up-armor humvees but can't create a collapsible cup. Whassup with that?

Again, imagine my UK blue patio cup is actually a metal canteen with a camouflage cover. Thankyouvermuch.

And, apparently, I'm supposed to be using my field knife to open all of these packets, but craft scissors seem to be working just fine for me. Does that NOT look like the catheter bag of a very dehydrated patient??

And there I go drinking it...because GI Jane ain't got nuttin on me. Also...there is still peanut butter stuck in the roof of my mouth.

Oh! Lunch is ready! And a bonus freebie facial.

It looks exactly like Chef Boyardee...and actually, it tastes exactly like Chef Boyardee...if Chef Boyardee started adding red pepper chili flakes to their food, that is.

Neal says that the dried fruit is for a mid-afternoon snack. I don't personally eat cranberries, unless they are liquified and mixed with vodka...but I can see how these would be a lovely 4PM pick-me-up.

Dessert is almond poppyseed spongecake and it was not that bad. A little dry, maybe...but there's always the I.V. bag full of green juice to wash it down.

What's left over...the apple cider, moist towelette, toilet paper, salt, pepper, matches, and gum (which, according to Neal, is used for cleaning your teeth. In the 4 years we've been married, I can count the number of times I've seen Neal chew gum on two fingers...but maybe it's different in the field).

When the meal is over, you put everything back in the bag and pack it back to camp. Neal says you do this to keep the enemy from knowing how many soldiers there are traveling together and to keep them from knowing how well you're eating. If you're eating palmetto bugs and drinking your own urine, you may have less to live for than if you're dining on penne pasta and spongecake.

I have to say that it's been almost 3 hours since lunch and I'm still not the least bit hungry. Maybe all of my meals should be 1000 calories each.

My Friends Call Me M'Lynn

...as in Steel Magnolias. Because my husband has declared war on the vermin in the backyard...namely, squirrels. Squirrels are plentiful and unafraid here on base. They play in the road and dare you to roll over them at your whopping 15 m.p.h. They leap from tree to tree and, apparently, LOVE to eat from the birdfeeder. And therein is the rub. Remember this?

Pluck You Too

Well, that's what it like with Neal around here. The only thing he's missing is the gun and the Grandpa sweater vest. He does, however, have duct tape and I caught him banging on the back door this morning, yelling, "I AM GOING TO GET YOU, YOU...RAT!" He thinks squirrels are basically rats with bushy tails and frequently says that people wouldn't comment about how cute they are if they didn't have the bushy tail. So, that's what's going on around here this weekend. I'm drinking Southern Lemonade by Firefly and Neal's booby trapping the bird feeder so that only God's creatures with wings can access it.

Et tu?

The Best Things Come to Those Who Wait

Yesterday was a blur. When Neal was in California, he was on California-time....which is, what? Mountain time? Mountain Standard Time? Pacific Standard Time? Hammer Time? I can't remember. All I know is he was 3 hours behind me. So, when he finished his evening briefings around 10 PM, I got a call at 1 AM. I will never be one to discourage the phone calls. Most military wives I know sleep with their phone rightnext to their heads all night when their husbands are mobilized. I am convinced that, just as Agent Orange was discovered to cause all sorts of unsightly medical issues, the incidence of brain cancer in military wives will skyrocket in 10-20 years. Anyswisscheesebrain, I took these phone calls which then put me on California time. Except that I still live in Georgia. While Neal adjusted to Eastern Standard Time in about 3 days, I'm still lying awake until 2 AM and getting up at 10:30 AM. 10:30 is almost noon, which would mean that I had literally slept half the day away. I'm hoping that I will get all of this straightened out this weekend. Although, weekends around here are not traditionally known for their routine and highly disciplined ways. There is a lot of falling asleep on the couch and eating the waffles left over from breakfast for dinner.

So, I slept until 10 AM yesterday and then had to rise and shine and get the shopping before the weekend started. Class 6 (our liquor store on base) had a line that snaked back to the gin aisle. And the commissary...oh the commissary...apparently no one went to work yesterday. They all went to the commissary. All of this to say, I ran out of hours in the day for Champagne Friday. Again. But at least I'm celebrating this week...as opposed to the last 5 where I just totally forgot about it all together.

But here it is anyway...a day late..but the best things come to those who wait:

Happy Champagne Friday...er...Saturday!!

and...The Top 5:

1. This is The Big Butter Jesus before he was struck by lightening and burned to the ground. I'm SURE this was covered by multiple blogs when it first happened, but that was during my Army-induced absence and I didn't get to fully embrace it here at M&M. RIP, Big Butter Jesus. And Dear Dayton, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's nothing personal. God isn't speaking to you via weather. But just in case, maybe you should just stick a big cross up like everyone else.

2. The Big Butter Jesus flambe.
Note to self: NEVER make a giant statue with arms extended to the sky out of steel bars and plaster. Bad idea.

3. The necklace I was asked to...ahem...re-create, using black and red beads, in addition to the silver. Which is NOTHING like theft of an idea.

4. My creation...which, again...is nothing like this piece. It is original...because it's black and red and silver. See the logic?

5. Happy 4th of July!! Have a wiener. Have two. Wash it down with a twist-off bottle of champagne and think of me. The Captain and I are headed off to the pool! Ciao, bellas!

Birds of a Feather Sticking Together and Letting Me Join the Flock

I got majorly busted today. I was Hobby Lobby-hunting with my new friend on base (yes, I can make friends and play well with others, regardless of what Mrs. Hurt thought) when she pointed out that I failed to add "made friends" to my list on Tuesday. Sooooooo.....let me fix that ASAP.

Number of friends made on base: 3 (It could have been 4, but I think I'm too fragile to be her friend).

I don't have blog names for them yet...I don't know them well enough. Although, if I was pressed to give them ones today, I would probably use The SunDevil (she is the wicked influence that whispers in my ear to ditch my daily responsibilities and lounge under the Georgian rays), Dane Cook's baby daddy (due to the fact that Dane Cook is going to have her babies...don't ask. We are all confused...), and Yaz (because she has 3 kids under the age of 5 and that is its own special brand of birth control. I seriously came home after meeting her and called Neal to say, "you know how we talked about having 3 kids? I would like to change my vote." I don't know how she does it. It's just a big pot of awesome to watch.)

I'm terribly sorry I left them off of the list. They like to scrapbook, say naughty things, and shop. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

On an unrelated note, is it just me or does Al Gore sort of look like...someone??


Huh...yeah...weird...

Wordless Wednesday: We Have a Prickly Kind of Love

There's Always a Drought in the Summer

Every time Neal leaves for an extended period of time, I always think This is going to be great! I'm going to spend every waking minute beading, blogging, and scrapbooking! I will cook fantastic meals with chocolate sauce and workout 3 times a day. I will read every single book that is threatening to topple my bookcase.

In reality, I spend a morning at the vet's office, an afternoon getting the oil changed. The washing machine quits spinning or the insurance company needs me to sign forms...in person. And I never cook anything more extravagant than spaghetti with marinara or a grilled cheese sandwich. And yet, every time I have the same thought: I am going to be soooo productive! What I'm beginning to learn about myself is that I am much more productive with Neal here. He is a machine that inspires me to answer emails, make phone calls, get things done. Without him, I hang out by the pool, watch an entire run of television shows on instant streaming Netflix, and watch the cats watch the squirrels on the patio.

Clearly, I am not productive. I was this time, however, very productive IRL. And because I love lists, especially lists that demonstrate my productivity, here's one for the last month:

*Number of houses sold: 1

(Mama Virgo is literally being held up by our sign. This was the day we unpacked 40 heavier-than-Heavy D boxes out of the attic and moved all of the furniture to storage.)

*Number of townhouses purchased: 1

(And yes, God love my husband because he just spent a fortune on an abode that he's never actually been in. We call that trust, boys and girls. Although that was trust in me, our Realtor, Mama Virgo, and biff Susie Q....not to be confused with trust just in me.)

*Number of houses that had to be completely emptied by me, Mama Virgo, and Anna Banana before the expedited closing tomorrow: 1

Now, wasn't that infinitely more fun than coming all the way down to Georgia just to float in our pool and watch airmen in flight suits at the commissary, ladies? Yeah, I thought not.

*Number of palmetto bugs sent to a watery death in our guest bathroom toilet: 6 (no pictures. It is, after all, almost lunch time)

*Number of meltdowns because of palmetto bugs in the bedroom: 1

*Number of bottles of wine drank to ease Palmetto Bug Fear at bedtime: 6

*Number of meals eaten out because cooking for 1 seemed like such a hassle: I lost track, but my skirts say "way too many".

*Number of pieces of jewelry created while Neal was gone: 1
(I've just quit checking my weekly Facebook updates that tells me how many fans/visits I have to the fan page. It's too depressing. They're dropping like flies.)

*Number of days spent laying by the pool, thinking I really needed to come home and make jewelry: 5

*Number of days I wished Neal was home: 28

Technically, today is Try a New Food Tuesday, but I felt like I needed to justify my absence before diving head-first into my commissary finds (and, I've discovered, that you need to actually go to the commissary to find food for Try a New Food Tuesday. I managed to completely avoid that for a month. Thank you, Wendy's, Arby's, Chick-Fil-A, and Chili's.)

Neal has been living on MRE's while out in the field and he brought me a couple home. Unfortunately, they are lost in the black hole where bags go when they don't arrive with your plane. So, next Tuesday will be Try a New Food Tuesday: the MRE version. I've never eaten food that was reconstituted with water. This will be an adventure. Sort of like being an astronaut, without having to wear a onesie or drink Tang.

I appreciate all of your emails over the past few weeks, checking on my progress or just my continued existence on earth. It has been such a wild ride, but (and I say this with some reservation), I think it will actually slow down some now. Maybe I'll make something with chocolate sauce tonight....

Try a New Food Tuesday: It's Healthy Because It Has "Fit" In the Name

I know that y'all are going to call "chicken" because I went with a familiar food this week instead of something that contains fish eggs and cheddar cheese...but I can't be blamed. It just called to me. Beckoned me. Cried "Mama!" And so I took it lovingly into my arms, gave it a stroke on the lid and placed it gently in the cart. Oh how we've been parted for so long.

This week I give you....

Yes, it looks remarkably like Nutella...and yet it is NussFit! It is not Nutella...because it is HEALTHY!! It is FIT! It has a big ole price sticker from the commissary deli plastered across the back so it is impossible to tell how many calories per teaspoon (or...er...tablespoon...or...er...bowl). But it tastes simply heavenly spread on a bagel or across a cupcake or straight off the spoon, as it turns out.

Disclaimer: I did NOT just buy this today....because eating that much chocolate hazelnut spread in one sitting is unhealthy...regardless of the brand name. This has lasted the whole week. I would like to know where I pick up my prize for unmatched self-discipline.

Also, because I'm a giver, I'm going to share a recipe using NussFit (technically using Nutella but they seem to be one in the same...with the exception that, of course, this is much healthier). All the way from The Ungourmet, I give you:

The Best Zucchini Bread You Will Ever Eat Or Your Money Back
Click on the title for Kim's DELICIOUS recipe. There is no reason not to make this recipe. It has NussFit AND zucchini. Your cardiologist and personal trainer are basically begging you to do this for yourself. And while you're over there, go ahead and poke around a bit. Kim just posted a recipe for the most amazing burritos. I haven't tried them but if I could eat my laptop screen, I would.

Next up for Thursday is pictures from the luau...or what I remember from it. Note to fellow travelers: Hale Koa (which is the military hotel in Honolulu) makes the kind of Mai Thai that goes down smooth and doesn't hit you until you look from side to side too quickly. It is $7.00 of pure bliss and the best money I've ever spent on rented liquid. And it helps the poi go down a little smoother, too.