96

Just to sufficiently freak you out, that is the number of hours left before Christmas. Are you one of the 11 lords a-leapin' from your desk, scurrying to throw sugar, butter, eggs, and flour into a bowl with visions of Martha Stewart dancing through your head? How many papercuts have you collected from aggressive wrapping, using only the twinkling of the Christmas tree for light? The workout routine has been ditched in favor of extra time at Target and you're tempted to put a bullet through your radio the next time you hear Christmas Shoes. I know how it is. And yet somehow, I work better under this kind of pressure...it all comes into focus. Yes it's almost 10 AM and yes, I have a noon Pilates class, but until then I shall be scrapbooking, baking, addressing Christmas cards, and doing laundry. And look! I even have time to blog because that, my friends, is called procrastination. And delusion. Together, they are a powerful combination that delivers nothing but disappointment and regret. But the three of us are fast friends and I shall NOT abandon them when they come knocking. Allyson, Procrastination, and Delusion...the Three Muskateers. We are fabulous. And I got an award for our fabulousness from one of my favorite new bloggers. Well, as advertisers say on cable TV when they develop a conscience about how many re-runs they are airing over the summer...she's not new, but she's new to me. So, THANK YOU, Surferwife! I love my new award and I will be mulling over who to pass it on to as I also mull my wine. And if you haven't read anything by Surferwife-AKA-Monique...stop what you're doing (yes, you can even stop reading this, but if you don't come back, you'll be missing out on another Virgo list and is that what you really want??)...and go read her. She's extraordinarily witty and she knows people. Like of the rich-and-famous variety. So, that's like being 2 degrees from anyone in Hollywood! And this is my pretty award:

I know right?? It's so me. Now I just need a dog...and a hat...and a waist.
And sidenote: I think that to my readers who read me because they know my mom or some other random connection, it seems like we (the blogging community) are just sitting around greasing each other's palms for some great satisfaction but I promote other bloggers because I think that good writing should be rewarded with readers. I will never steer you wrong, my dahlings, because I don't want you to read crap anymore than I do. Unless it's really, REALLY bad and then that's just as good. But I don't get paid, I don't even get free stuff for my opinions...I just get to share the ooey gooey goodness that I have stumbled upon. And that is MORE than enough.

OK...so today's fun? These are life's lessons I've learned (the hard way) in the past week:

• It is not necessary to put extra bubbles in the garden tub when you're going to turn the jets on. This only results in an I Love Lucy moment, complete with rising foam over a shocked and panicked face. And towels. And cursing. And a "soak" becomes a Chernobyl-esque clean-up effort.
  
• When you grate cheese, it is best to move your thumb out of the way before commencing the grating. Grated thumb joint does not feel like clouds and rainbows, nor is it nutrient-dense.
  
• Just because your husband drove the car parked in the garage to work does NOT mean that the car in the driveway is lined up with the garage. This is particularly important when you assume as much and begin to back up into the garage. Because literally, backing up into the garage is no fun.
  
• If your laptop does not automatically spring to life upon opening...it is best to not assume that it has crashed. Unless of course there is a banner running across the screen that says "I'm sorry. It seems your laptop has crashed. Move along now, there is nothing to see here..." Because inevitably, your husband will come home and it will whir and kick into full operating mode and you will look like a greedy whore who only wanted a new laptop.
  
• Don't eat week-old brownies or church windows. And microwaving said church windows does not automatically make them edible. It just makes them stickier and increases your chances of eating attached paper towel (which may or may not lead to chest pains while on the elliptical later). If they don't taste exactly right, it's best to just File 13 'em and start fresh. No one wants dessert-induced food poisoning 4 days before Christmas.

As my Dad once said, I'm passing these on so that you won't have to go through the same thing. It's my gift to you since the cats don't listen.