Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Tell 'Em What They've Won, Bob

Remember in elementary school when, at the very end of the school year after the books were turned back in and everyone's brains were collectively vacationing at Disney World, the class had Field Day? Field Day was supposed to be a day to play games, eat hotdogs, and run fast and loose with school rules. There were "events" and "ribbons" and Elementary-School-Allyson crying in the bathroom because her fat ass couldn't sprint unless it was on fire. I hated Field Day. To this day, when someone says "It was a field day out there!", I picture a battlefield strewn with the bodies of the slow, awkward, and unathletic (yes, that's a word. I just googled it), while the gold medalists load the buses with smug looks and that unmistakable Field Day tan. Anyway, I went home with ribbons in colors like yellow and green and pink. Those are not Olympic colors. They are "thanks for's a ribbon so you don't have to explain this to your therapist in 10 years colors." My point? I have no idea where those ribbons are now (although if I had to venture a guess, I would say they're in my Virgo-Mother's plastic storage bin marked "Allyson" and I will get them back when she moves or dies, whichever comes first), but it really doesn't matter because now I get awards. Blog awards, to be precise. Which I love like Paris Hilton loves a party with coke. No, I cannot run and then hurl my fragile, German frame into a strip of sand hoping to slide past the 6 foot mark (nor do I want to. Sand burn is not a good look for me), but I can write like a mo-fo and these just go to prove it. So, to all of the Field Day blue ribbon winners: munch on that! Yo mama so fat...oh wait...sorry...ahem...

Anyway, I would like to thank everyone for the awards I've received since October. I am terribly sorry for taking so long to pass them back out. Life is hard, with 2 cats in the yard...

And these awards all have rules but for the life of me, I can't remember what they are so..sorry about that. It's a 2010 resolution to be more prompt in handing out awards, along with not drinking so much bottom-shelf liquor. Perhaps they go hand-in-hand...

My first award was from Foxy. Please go check her out, if only for the post before the most recent one about unassuming board games using sex toys for game pieces. If you don't love her after that, you are not my people.
I'm handing this one off to Sarah @ The Anti-Journalist. If you're not sure she's worthy, simply read her post about the janitor. That, my friends, is what beautiful prose looks like.

My next award came from Surferwife, who loves all things Chelsea Handler and just started a new blog about her triathlon training. Read her first blog to be thoroughly amused by famous people she's run into, read her second to get inspired to run 5 miles after a 2-year hiatus (and consequently curse her when you can't stand up from the toilet).
I'm passing this on to Nathanael @ This is How it Feels because truly, he is fabulous. I love his bitchy rants and his fashion sense. And he just decorated his new apartment with Ikea furniture. What says fabulous more than Swedish furniture? I'm also awarding it to Queenie Jeannie @ Jeannie's Happy World because what's fabulous is her posting a video clip of her husband Wii-dancing. A full 3 minutes of her husband's backside as he jiggles, wiggles and does the "surfer" move. That, boys and girls, is fabulous.

Next up is the one I got from Salt Says. I truly love this award because I do indeed kick ass. Just ask my fan club. Go visit Salt and give her some bride-to-be love. As a former destination-bride, I can tell you that the last 60 days are maddening. What time is the sun going to set? Do the guests have the right directions? What happens if the officiant we chose from an online directory has a mole?? I mean, a moooooole. She needs all the love you can give her right now.
This one goes to Kallay @ Kallaydoscope who has just successfully switched over to Wordpress and now has a Coffeetalk tab, thus demonstrating her awesomeness. She cooks, she uses a new word everyday (like having a "constitutional"...who knew it didn't just mean "being regular in the bathroom"?), and when it comes to decorating for Christmas, she makes Martha Stewart look like a 4th grader with a glue gun and safety scissors.

And the last 3 are new awards that I've just recently acquired. First up was from Sarah @ The Anti-Journalist. I'm not sure about the meaning of this award...I mean...I like lemons and lemonade and especially Jack Daniels Lemonade, but I don't think that's the point. According to Sarah, I'm supposed to award this to 10 bloggers. And the next award is supposed to go to 15 bloggers. And that's all well and good but people, it's 20 till 12:00 and if I don't do something today other than blog, Neal will spit venom into his dinner (AKA cereal at this rate). So, I'm bending the rules a little. But I also direct your attention to my blogroll...which is full of reading-goodness. I don't follow anyone that isn't 100% fan-freakin-tastic.
This one goes to Cindy @ Consider the Lilies and Brooke @ From Bluegrass to Grass Skirts. I can't think of any 2 Kentucky girls I'd rather have lemonade with...or Jack Lemonade. Cindy has Obe Wan on her side and Brooke just survived a flight with The Craziest Woman EVER. They totally deserve this!!

Now, Salt has taken it up on herself to create a Chuck Norris award, which I got all green-monstered over when I saw it on someone else's blog. But then she gave it to me, too, and now we're BFF again. The only rule: you have to list your favorite Chuck Norris-ism (which is embarrassingly easy for me). Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
This must simply go to Vodka Logic (because she Chuck Norris'd snow all over some rebel teenagers this week), Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic (because Chuck Norris CAN make the rolltide roll!), and Surferwife (because to Chuck Norris, a triathlon is Pain, Pain, and Pain).

Last, but certainly not least is this beautiful award from Vodka Logic. It's supposed to go to fifteen (I spelled it out just so the italics can emphasize the enormity of it all) new bloggers. Well..I'm only going to award it to 5 and they are not necessarily even new to me, but they are most deserving.
I award this to Foxy @ The Fox Den (because she needs something to make her blog PG again, with all of the butt plug posting and Team Edward tongue), DG @ Diary of a Mad Bathroom (because she legitimately IS new to me and I'm loving every minute of it), Shandal @ My Life in 3D (because with a husband who finds himself in lock-up after getting rowdy at a football game, what this girl needs is a teacup full of pink roses. Plus she has 2 ridiculously adorable children), Lauren @ Salt Says (because that girl is under-read, under-appreciated and can do weird pretzel-like things with her body), and finally to Nahl @ Bonfire of the Impassive (because she is a Pakistani woman who somehow found me and now I find myself anxiously awaiting each new post. Do you know how random that is...a Pakistani woman and an Army wife to be bloggy friends? What would we have ever done if Dan Quayle hadn't invented the internet??) I absolutely MUST go do something that does not involve a laptop, a Snuggie, and espresso. Like my taxes. Or run my business. Oh yeah, I almost forgot...I own a business.
Focker, out!


  1. OMG. I am not even going to entirely finish reading this without first addressing the fact that I was TOTALLY Fatass-Elementary-School-Lauren!! I hated field day too! Ever since my first one and they wanted us to hurdle over benches and I fell and busted up my knee. Eff all those stupid ribbons. It was all crap. I couldn't even run a mile without dying until I was like 25.

    Ok I'm going to go read the rest now. :)

  2. Thank you for the fabulous award! And if it makes u feel any better, I never won any blue ribbons on field day either. LOL!

  3. So cool Chuck Norris award.. he is kick ass for sure.

    thanks.. I should have it posted in a couple of months lol

  4. Ok and now that I'm done reading...YAY thank you for the award! I LOVES IT! And I feel totally appreciated. :)

    Thanks so much for mentioning that mole thing. Because I hadn't even thought of something like that until now, but now I'm going to worry. Not because I'd be afraid of the mole being in pictures, but I'd be more afraid that it would be enormous and with a hair coming out of it or something and then I would be laughing hysterically all the way through the vows. Which I guess is better then crying though.

    I'm still so glad you love Chuck Norris! AWESOME Chuck fact!

  5. I got CHUCK!! Woot. Woot. So yeah, I have a stack of awards to hand out and I am overwhelmed by it. Which makes me tend to push it under the rug further. But one day this will be handed out.

    I got 1st place in the 3 legged race with my BFF on one field day. I WANTED to win, dammit. And I dragged her ass across the field. Competitive much? Kinda explains my triathlon addiction, eh?

  6. thank you for the award, lovie!!! i will definitely have this posted soon (as in, once the emergen-c kicks in and i stop dribbling snot all over my laptop. nice image, no?) but in the meantime, thank you again and have a wonderful hump day!



  7. what a field day of awards!! hahhaa soooo funny. you. are. sooo funny.

  8. You are awesome girl!!! Thank you for the award and the Roll Tide mention too!!! Awesome! Your field day story just brought back every vision of elementary school for me. I didn't love field day or gym as a kid, I participated reluctantly, always. I won an event one year though. It was a sprinting event and I only won because a boy told me I couldn't beat him. I beat his ass big time. After that I never wanted to run again unless something was chasing me or trying to kill me (I'm trying to change that with my new years goals but we'll see). AH field day, just another way for jocks to make us feel inferior! bastards!

  9. Look at you and all of those awards! Congrats! Thank you so much for passing on some love to me too!

  10. Well thank you 'mam. I am thrilled to be on the receiving end of some bloggy lovin. You've been keeping these under wraps for a while. Are there any more tucked away back there?

  11. Awww OMG, LoL Thanks you doll! :-) you rock! totally made me feel better

  12. DUDE. Look at all the love and fans you've got! When you get all big and famous you better not forget us little people. :)

    And thanks for the award, dahling. Now i need to go check out some of those others....

  13. And you know what else? Field Day was never successful for me either - at least in the ribbon color category. I always went home with more of the rainbow, rather than Olympic, colors. I did, however, always seem to be successful at kissing boys out by the monkeybars though. Huh. It seems my hussiness started really early on. That may explain a few things...

  14. Aww Allyson. This is so very sweet, thank you!
    Just a glitch though..I'm not really Palestinian,I'm a Pakistani woman.
    I'm sorry if you were lead to believe otherwise.
    I hope you're still as excited about me though. :(

  15. Yep, which one of those ribbons did you want? I can have those for you with fairly short notice.
    Mama Virgo

  16. Y'all are cracking me up with your Field Day stories! I'm so glad I'm not alone on that. And congratulations, you are all very deserving...and not in that "thanks for participating" way.

    And Nahl: Sorry about that!! Apparently, I'm as bad at multi-tasking as my husband. All fixed now, though!

    Mom: That's OK. I don't need them back. It will only drive me into a bourbon-induced depression where I sit in the dark and finger the ribbons and think about a time when...

  17. So Ally, I think you may have found yet another common thread among bloggers: Shit Stain Field Days!

    Girl, even the mothers made fun of me on Field Day. It was awful. I don't even want to talk about it. So this whole Kick Ass Blogger award? It totally makes up for it! And made my week a bright one!

    FANKS! :)

  18. Thank you so much hun!!

    Can I just say that the "kick ass blogger" award looks Just sayin', lol!

  19. Yay...these awards are better than those any day...did those others even count for these mean SoMeThInG..!! sometimes I feel that i need an award for participating in awards....I get confused...somtimes I dont know what when or where to go to give it out, or link back properly..Im learning..?? but that's just me..

  20. love it, i'm checking out the winners!

  21. Holy Jesus! A Chuck Norris Award! Awesome. love the blog.

  22. Congrats on all your awards! They are well-deserved.

  23. Such wonderful and well deserved awards! Nice! :)

  24. I have an award waiting for you! :)

  25. Now that was a mega post. Gives me some blogs to check out over the weekend. Love the way you write and your wit is razor sharp! Congratulations on all the awards!


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