Sunday, January 17, 2010

Match Point, Neal

I will be the first to admit that I'm a lot of things, but observant is not one of them. When Christmas rolls around, Neal doesn't have to bury jewelry in his jockstrap or tape a gift card to the underside of our lawn mower. He just hangs it from the dining room light fixture and calls it a day. I never see it. I've probably even bumped into or inadvertently moved a gift or two and it never registers. I can spot a crooked picture frame from 100 paces, but hang a diamond from a ceiling fan and somehow I will walk around it. For weeks.

This brings us to last night's festivities. Seeing as I swallowed a porcupine on New Year's Eve and was in no mood to ring in 2010 with anyone other than Sergeant Nyquil and his Merry Band of Naked Dreams, we canceled our Rockin' New Year's Eve Party (which, coincidentally, also involves a number of people who can't count backwards...especially after we start mixing drinks based solely on color...word to the wise: stay away from blue). Last night was our Rockin' New Year's Eve: Do-Over. Yes, I hung the Happy New Year's Eve banner outside and used the Happy New Year's Eve napkins. Save your judgment for Pat Robertson, I'm just a white girl trying to spread the cheer. So yesterday was a flurry of cleaning and cooking (I'm sorry, Kallay. I didn't use your fondue recipe and I tried to make it with shredded Kroger cheese and apple juice. It was the magna cum laude of culinary disasters. But my friends pink puffy heart me and raved about how good it was...even though it tasted like gooey, stringy ass) and I even did a spinning class (because raspberry-flavored vodka has about 1483 calories per ounce...never mind 12 ounces). Not once did I stop to look around. I just knew that there were 5 dips made with a variety of cheeses (sour, cream, off-brand shredded), the house was clean, the Wii was ready, and I was rockin' another Daisy & Elm original (made with furry, gray beads which my sister insists on referring to as hamster testes).

Not long after the party started, as I was mixing a yummy new concoction called Firefly and everyone was gathered in the kitchen, someone said, "Uh, Allyson...why is there a picture of you and Jeeves McArthur* on your bulletin board?" I almost knocked a perfectly innocent drink to the ground as I spun around.

"WHAT???" And there it was, in all of its 1994 glory. Me and Jeeves in front of my mother's fireplace on the night of basketball homecoming. It was the height of the broomstick skirt (what? You missed the broomstick skirt trend? You must have blinked...) and gold chain-link belts. And, apparently, Jeeves was bringing back the gray suit. Oh little shop of horrors, how in the HELL did that photo get THERE? On my wall, in my kitchen? During a party? My mother had gotten it from Jeeves' parents at the Christmas Eve service (small town = about 4 churches and if you're not southern baptist, then really just 1 church and there we all were...) and I assumed that Mom had kept it...silly, naive Allyson. I now realize that Mom had passed it on to Neal, who had stuck in his back pocket, anticipating a day and an opportunity just like this one. Everyone had a hearty hardy-har-har-har over it and I turned the exact same color as my cocktail. Et tu, Neal? I wondered which knife he had used to stab me in the back. I thought I used them all during the fondue prep. He must have used a dirty one. That bastard used a dirty knife to stab me in the back. Well, revenge is a bitch...a nasty, tranny bitch with an extra roll of duct tape.

This morning, after the vodka fog cleared and the whole incident resurfaced one thought at a time, like Vanna White and her vowels, I asked Neal about it. Well, maybe accused would be a more accurate word. I threatened retribution. I threatened public humiliation. Neal turned to me and said, "Public humiliation? Really? At least I didn't post it to my blog.** We're even. Game, set, match." And when you put it that way, I seem to have come out way, way ahead. Well played, Captain Miller...well played.

*Jeeves McArthur is obviously not his real name. I'm not in the business of slaying a man's reputation simply because he thought gray was the new silk.
**Yes, Mr. Wonderful has a blog. It's incredibly dry, with his discussion of digital antennas and internet speed. But if you're just dying to know...here ya go.

16 comments:

  1. Hahaha! That's awesome! Sounds like something we would do! :)

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  2. LMAO!!! Thomas has a blog too. He's got a short attention span on "hobbies" so I don't think he's posted in months...

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  3. HAHA! i'm kinda impressed by his 1) having the balls to post it during the party and 2) fantastic rebuttal to your accusation. well played, indeed! (and sorry about the humiliation part... but it *is* pretty funny!)

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  4. !)I'm with ya on the crooked picture frames! It drives me insane. Plus, I feel bitchy when I walk into someone's house and want to straight the whole of their living room wall collage.

    @)Also, I was all excited about the gray fuzzy beads and then you called them rat nuts and now... I don't know anymore.

    #)Sorry about your fondue! I've totally done that before... made a new recipe for entertaining and bombed it like the Pearl Harbor. It was awful.

    $)(Yeah, I'm doing it on purpose... I'm still technically pre-coffee. The symbols are kind of fun though, don't you think?) Neal seems to be on his game when t comes to revenge. Does that means he's going to do it again? I mean, to be fair, you also tell us embarrassing stories about yourself so he can't be *that* upset. :D And his blog... it's like a nerd's paradise! I tried to keep up but there's all these gHz and Mpbs flying around. I do think it's really sweet that he put your jewelry shop on the top of his page. AW... a supportive hubsterkins. (to belabor the point that I think it's adorable.)

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  5. I enjoyed my very first visit to you blog. Hilarious. HAHA. I wonder how you would miss it every time...
    Have a great day!:)

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  6. Hahaha omg as I was reading I was trying to think of who "Jeeves McArthur" is and wondering if he is someone famous and why can't I remember who he is. I am dense.

    That totally sounds like something M would do, and the fact that you had no idea it was there totally sounds like something I would do. I hope your party was wonderful anyway!

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  7. Ohh, you two sound like us. Never a dull moment is there?

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  8. You know, I wondered how he felt about those photos. Ha... I guess we know now!! Too funny. You can't blame him really... you had it coming. ;)

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  9. And I, too, thought it was incredibly adorable that he had a Daisy & Elm link on his blog.

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  10. I had a great NYE but I kinda wanna follow your lead and have another one just for the hell of it! I am glad the part went well - minus the fondue issue and the old school picture hell! I sort of wish Jeeves McAuthur was his real name... it's awesome.

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  11. I hit reply too soon - FIREFLY is amazing!! (Mix it with lemonade = awesomeeeeeee to the 10th power!)

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  12. What, you're not posting the photo? You know you're supposed to, right? I think it's in the rules....

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  13. that is funny. I am in your corner but I have to say that is pretty "feisty" (in a guy kind of way) of neal. John just complains about me blogging and humiliating him - he has not yet enacted revenge.

    you guys are too cute. i would love to have a firefly with you.

    kiran

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  14. Revenge should never be over... especially in the blogging world. Hey, if that were true I would have to delete at least 95 of my last 100 posts (poor Mec!).

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  15. "a nasty, tranny bitch with an extra roll of duct tape"

    amazing. hahaha.

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  16. ROTFLMFAO
    I'm especially amused at how it looks like we're trying hard to be in the same picture but not actually touch each other.

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That's it, let it all out....